(some of) The Worst Girlfriends/Wives in Movies
By: Lawrence Napoli
FU Valentine’s Day! It clearly exists as a sadistic conspiracy to swindle hard earned cash that could be used for rent, food or whatever the hell else you need to survive. Blowing money left and right for someone you think will always be there for you, be honest with you and take care of you is completely delusional. Turn on the news to see how charitable people can be. If it’s one thing people have proven, it’s that they cannot be counted on. Betrayal is in our blood, so we’re all better off relying on ourselves. This is a pathetic list of truly exceptional succubi in movies which is proof positive that some women can leave you a bitter, broken, little man for any reason, but probably because of the fun of it. Valentine’s Day is the ultimate slap in the face to decent people minding their own business because it brings all these lovey-dovey types out of the woodwork; exposing the rest of us to their gut wrenching affection which is clearly an elaborate front for getting laid. These are some of the worst girlfriends and wives in movies and the reasons why February 14th is more like Friday the 13th, so hopefully that soul-sucking monster doesn’t hack off your genitalia and chuck it, Lorena Bobbit-style.
(Editor's Note: Head on over here for Lawrence's Top 10 Best Movie Girfriends list)
10) Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Kat’s got to be the least scathing of the worst for the simple fact she actually gets together with Patrick by the end of this film [Please note: she’s the only one on this list to do so]. But look what she does in the mean time. Besides being a mightier than thou feminist and incredibly short tempered she is completely incapable of detecting any semblance of good will being thrown her direction. She hates her sister for being more attractive than her, she hates all men for 1 taking advantage of her and there’s simply no pleasing someone who is at the center of her own universe at all times. There’s no way Patrick stays with this girl if the story were to continue years from now because she proves that the power of self love is unequaled. Who needs love from someone else?
9) Jo in Rounders (1998)
What is worse than a girlfriend that lures you into a fall sense of safety? Jo hooks up with Mike Mc. D in law school, but the problem is Mike’s a wicked good card player and he lost 30 grand to a Russian mobster. Jo demands him to never go back to cards, but staying away from Poker is difficult for someone with a gift to play it and instead of helping him through it, she is always distrustful of where he’s been, what he’s been doing and of course, the constant nagging makes it that much worse. She rifles through his clothing while he bathes like she’s looking for other women’s panties stuffed in his pockets. She has the unmitigated gall for berating Mike for using his Poker acumen to get in good with his law professors and that the only way to make it is by truly earning it. “Earning it?” This is law school Jo! This is what shysters do! And what does Mike get for all his trouble staying out of the card game? He gets no note, no bedding and an empty apartment with no explanation. Thanks for the memories Jo.
8) Carmen in Starship Troopers (1997)
You know you’re in trouble if you’ve already told a girl that you love her and you need to ask her to say it back to you. Carmen is a beautiful, personable and intelligent creature who is as dense as it comes to the state of the universe. She views joining up with the Global Federation like one of Stewie Griffin’s sexy parties where she can fly a giant spaceship. She’s so full of herself that she makes course corrections to her superior’s course navigations while still being a snot-nosed rookie. This is the kind of woman who knows full well what hot sh*t she is and really could care less about anything or anyone else that isn’t inside her tunnel vision. Plus, you’ve got to love her exit strategy with Johnny Rico: a vid message from light years away saying: [and I paraphrase] I’m going career military. That doesn’t leave too much time for us. Don’t forget to write.
7) Summer in 500 Days of Summer (2009)
Tom is a hopeless romantic pining for nothing more than something beautiful in a relationship. He meets Summer, a beautiful woman who defies every convention and is a breath of fresh air when it comes to chicks that are cool, or so Tom thought. Her care free attitude about life seems like some sort of higher plane thought processes, but is really an elaborate front for a girl who really doesn’t have a clue. She’s moody, unpredictable and a complete and total hypocrite. After spending genuine days of pure magic with Tom over the course of their dating lives, she drops bombs like “I’m not the marrying type,” when that was exactly what he wanted with her, only to turn around shortly after their break up to marry some other guy. What the hell? She’s like: OMG, I’m totally full of it. Sorry about that. At least she apologizes (kind of), but still represents the ultimate tease for someone who came off as the answer to one man’s prayers only to be the source of his nightmares and negative energy.
6) Roxie Hart in Chicago (2002)
So Roxie’s a down-on-her-luck kind of gal who isn’t particularly thrilled with being married to Mr. Cellophane so she starts messing around with some other swinging dick. Strike 1. She shoots the dude she’s having an affair with, goes to prison and follows a ludicrous defense strategy to use her pathetic husband’s sympathy on the stand to get her off the hook in court. Strike 2. Then she decides to go into show business with her co-femme fatale making a mockery of women using sex and guns to get their way by all means necessary. Strike 3, she’s out! Roxie is no feminist; she’s a reverse misogynist with tits. Her husband Amos is the only decent human being in the whole film and she treats him like garbage. Did I mention she lies about being pregnant with his child to score extra pity points with the jury during the trial? Yeah, that happened too.
5) Jean Grey/Phoenix in X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
I don’t need to remind anyone here about Jean playing both sides of the field between Logan and Scott, but suffice it to say for being an exceptionally talented telekinetic, she is surprisingly weak willed when it comes to men. Jean Grey had sacrificed herself to save all her fellow mutants in X2, which is something really good. Unfortunately, she survives to become an infinitely powerful super being called The Phoenix who is a complete slave to her emotions and she really likes the negative feelings. Thus, the first thing she does after emerging from the murky depths is to vaporize the man that would be her husband. The only thing that remained was his sunglasses.
4) Fox in Wanted (2008)
Ever get the feeling you were being played in a relationship from the very beginning? Wesley, despite being trained into a super powered assassin, is actually being played by everyone for basically the entire film. Fox, however, is the worst offender and although they never actually formalize their relationship, these two are attached at the hip and the mouth for a decent length of the film. An intense training/getting to know you process occurs between the two, but none of that penetrated Fox as her mission to use Wesley as bait (expendable bait) never truly shakes. She’s not particularly big on sharing her feelings or with being honest, but she does manage to avoid killing Wesley by killing herself. A better suggestion would be to just shoot the bad guy.
3) Andy in The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
If your relationship is failing, you must be doing really well at work. That is some severely messed up logic, but apparently totally fine for the business-minded female professional of today. Her relationship with Nate is never something that has a chance when an opportunity to suckle at the power teet that belongs to Miranda Priestly comes calling. Nate’s constantly getting blown off, neglected and forgotten. What’s worse is that Andy pulls this same junk on all of her former friends before she assumed the position of Beelzebub. Andy eventually breaks it off with Nate all together because she’s a fabulous fashion industry professional who has flings with random men during fashion shows. I don’t have a problem with professional women, but they should never have delusions of grandeur that they can have her cake and eat it too. If something is important, you make the time. Andy had zero time for Nate.
2) Marion in Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Cocaine is a hell of a drug! Ok, so it was heroin in this particular film, but let’s carefully examine the character of Marion: pretty little thing with no real responsibility, whose apartment is being paid for by her parents and has an ambitious little drug dealing boyfriend by the name of Harry showering her with gifts, fun, attention and plenty of snow. It’s difficult for me to have any sympathy for Harry because he is a severe horse’s ass, but I guess it takes one to love one, or so it seems. Marion really falls for the high of heroin and she proceeds to go to extreme lengths to get more. She carries on with the psychologist she used to have an affair with for money and she volunteers for gang bang duty for pure product. What seals Marion as a terrible girlfriend is her violent reaction to Harry not scoring more H from a mass supply deal gone bad where the buyers rushed the sellers in desperation and they responded by showering the crowd with bullets. Harry’s lucky to have escaped with his life and she’s pissed he didn’t get drugs.
1) Asami in Audition (1999)
Shigeharu’s wife dies and he is stricken with depression and loneliness, but with the help of his friend in the film business, he comes up with a way to get back into the dating scene. Granted, holding an audition for a fake part that’s really interviewing women with potential for Shigeharu to date is dirty, but even he doesn’t deserve what he gets; namely, a closet psychopath who puts on a great performance to tell men exactly what they want to hear only to bring her wrath down upon them all. Asami makes Shigeharu fall in love with her so naturally she responds with assaulting him at his home, torturing him with acupuncture needles, cutting off his left foot and plots to murder his son. Asami represents the danger of intense obsession, the likes of which make Fatal Attraction seem like Sesame Street in comparison.