For those just tuning in, this is the 19th episode of coverage of the Nova hostage crisis. To update new readers, 19 issues ago, the Nova concepts were taken hostage by a gang of Earthbound terrorists hostile to high quality cosmic storylines, continuity, and characterization. These terrorists refer to themselves as “The A-Holes,” and their stated goals are to subvert cosmic’s underlying concepts, destroy cosmic’s uniqueness, and reduce cosmic to the generic, Earthbound-mediocrity of most super-hero-oriented comic books. Our UK Correspondent recently summed-up the goals of The A-Holes as: “producing a sterilized, diluted mockery of a once great genre.”
In new developments, Propaganda Minister for the A-Holes, Garry Duggan, delivers yet another absurdly implausible story disrespectful of Nova continuity and established mythos. He once again wrongly centers the source of each Corpsman’s powers in their helmets, impossibly subverts the Worldmind’s control over the Nova Force, and ridiculously portrays all Corpsmen as weak and incompetent – except of course, NINO. He writes Rocket Raccoon out of character as a money-grubbing, trigger-happy, impulsive sociopath. He continues to write NINO’s mother as an idiot unfit to raise children. He ret-cons the fate of Robert Rider and the rest of Rich Rider’s Corpsmen (i.e. implies that they were killed in the Cancerverse battle). And of course, he immorally continues to glorify NINO’s status as a child soldier/combatant. The art/coloring are acceptable but nothing to write home about.
In a coded communication intercepted by the NCSA (National Comics Security Agency), Propaganda Minister Duggan can be heard gleefully reporting to Cliché Minister Brevoort, “Yes sir! Consistent with your orders, we’ve produced yet another issue that only brain-dead zombies could love.” In response, Cliché Minister Brevoort can be heard to cackle in laughter saying, “Excellent! Rather than innovate by creating brand new characters to appeal to children, females and racial minorities, we’ll continue the cowardly and creatively bankrupt policy of hi-jacking the names and powers of established characters and shoehorning new characters with the desired demographics into their roles. It worked with Nova, Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel, and Ultimate Spiderman; so why not Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man? BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! The brand-loyal zombies will buy anything!” Schlock Minister Loeb and Hackney Minister Bendis can be heard giggling in the background of this communication. As usual, Mediocrity Minister Alonso is silent and apparently absent from this meeting.
In an uplifting development, resistance to the A-Holes’ hi-jacking of the Nova concepts continues to grow with NINO’s sales steadily falling. Resistance fighters have been shown to be immune to the zombie virus and have discovered a cure for the afflicted zombies. The cure is to starve the problem source, The A-Holes. Leave NINO and NeWINO (New Warriors In Name Only) on the shelf.
Cancel NINO from your pull list. Cancel your DVR’s setting to record Ultimate Spiderman. Buy no NINO merchandise. Be a star! Join the resistance! Nix NINO!