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The Brewer Report: Who exactly is Taserface?

Posted By: Wonder Worlock
Mon, 10/01/2012 - 18:21


Word has reached the CBN offices that the obscure Taserface may be more than just a slight mention by Guardians of the Galaxy movie director James Gunn as he peruses through the Jim Valentino run of the 1990s comic starring the original Guardians.

Not leaving any tern unstoned, the M.E.’s office got on this right away and has the following to report under the FYEO title:

“Who Exactly Is Taserface?”

The villain Taserface was born in the alternate future reality of our 31st Century on Earth-691. He was a member of a race of primitive beings that inhabited an unidentified planet that became the resting place for a cache of armor and technology jettisoned into space by Tony Stark in an effort to keep it away from the vicious Martian Masters. (Love these old space stories; bring some back to us, anyone!)

Taserface and his brethren would eventually master this technology, and at some point developed the skill and understanding to create an armored suit for every inhabitant of the planet, creating a world of cyborgs. As a tribute to their technological “god” they erected a large statue in his likeness and named their race and world the "Stark."

However, the Stark would not follow the heroic legacy left behind by the Golden Avenger. Instead, they polluted and ravaged their planet's natural resources, rendering it incapable of sustaining life. Taserface and the Stark searched the stars for new worlds to conquer.

Taserface was confronted and defeated by the original Guardians of the Galaxy while on a scouting mission to the planet Courg in the Bledsoe system. He was rescued by Commander Blackhand, who directed the Communicator to retrieve the disgraced warrior from the battlefield before he fell into enemy hands.

During Taserface's extraction, the metallic suit of Vance Astro was compromised, exposing his age-old body to the elements for the first time in a millennium. Taserface was taken to the tent of Blackhand where he was scolded for his poor performance against the Guardians upon learning Lt. Darkeyes (I don’t make this stuff up, folks!) had fallen in battle to Aleta.

Enraged by this information, Commander Blackhand declared that Taserface would henceforth only be known as the “Nameless One” (no relation, I do not think, Dr. Strange fans) until he brought her the Guardians' leader.

In an overzealous effort to gratify Blackhand, Taserface captured Nikki, mistaking her for his intended target. However, they were both encased in a block of solid ice by Martinex, but upon their release, Nikki stunned Taserface with a laser blast just before she returned to the Guardians' ship, Freedom's Lady, with her teammates. Taserface himself was left on the planet Courg.

Blackhand later ordered the destruction of Freedom's Lady and the Guardians' captive, a Stark general. Starhawk summoned help, believing his comrades had lost their lives in the massive explosion, but they managed to escape by teleporting planet-side moments before.

Again they were confronted by Taserface (can’t keep a good D-grade cosmic villain down), who made short work of the heroes. But before he could proclaim victory, Taserface was defeated by former Big G Herald, Firelord.

So if one of Thanos’ thralls has this now-familiar name in 2014’s Guardians of the Galaxy, you have the skinny … and you didn’t even have to dig through long boxes.

(I, on the other hand …)