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Review: NINO Nova #25

With the release of NINO #25 on Christmas Eve, Marvel has essentially dropped a lump of coal into everyone’s Christmas stocking.

The entire run of this series has been characterized by insipid, implausible, intelligence-insulting stories aimed at the pre-pubescent mentality combined with absolute contempt for the Nova mythos, legacy, and long-term fans – but this issue takes all of those deplorable characteristics to new levels.

Apparently (the real) Captain America has become demented with the loss of his powers as he actually inducts the little “idiot” (Loeb’s own description of the character he created) into The Avengers. Really? Bad enough that NINO’s parents are unfit – but are The Avengers now a deliberate, official accessory to child endangerment? Apparently so. Maybe government regulation of The Avengers wasn’t such a bad idea after all – as Child Protective Services sure needs to investigate this decision.

Of course, Duggan continues to demonstrate his lack of awareness of and/or his contempt for Nova continuity by completely ignoring the healing factor inherent in possessing Nova powers – as NINO is (unconvincingly) portrayed as suffering from numerous contusions, abrasions, fractures, and cognitive deficits – injuries that should be long healed by a Nova’s healing factor. But then again, NINO isn’t a true Nova – so maybe there’s hope for a rapid and (hopefully) fatal decline in his condition.

This double-sized issue does little more than double-down on the whopping case of stupid that surrounds and pervades the NINO concept. For some unknown reason, Marvel seems intent on shoehorning the little idiot into everything they possibly can – and despite their unprecedented marketing efforts and sales gimmicks – NINO still is unable to crack the top 100 in sales. That spells “failure of concept,” Mr. Brevoort.

Duggan’s story plods along with the thoroughly un-interesting minutiae of NINO’s everyday life and thoroughly implausible Avengers induction until the end when NINO saves the day in an utterly contrived plane crash situation clearly added to provide some kind of action to this otherwise utter waste of color glossy paper.

Baldeon’s cartoonish art is the perfect choice for a book aimed at the Archie Comics crowd of buyers. Baldeon’s portrayal of NINO in his manga-uniform makes NINO appear exactly what he is – an annoying kid playing “dress-up as a Power Ranger.” Curiel’s colors are perfect as usual – but this book is a waste of his talents.

This issue begins with NINO asking himself how he stacks up against his predecessors. I have the answer to that question, NINO (and Duggan). You don’t stack up. You’re a bad concept made for all the wrong reasons and you’re written poorly. You’re an insult to the Nova legacy, mythos, and long-term fans. In every way, you’re a Nova In Name Only.

So take this lump of coal in your Christmas stocking and do what you’d normally do with a lump of coal. Burn it. Better yet – leave it on the shelf to send Marvel a clear message that NINO is unacceptable. Let’s make 2015 the year that we end NINO once and for all.

Comic Book News

Review: Guardians 3000 #3

Between 2006 and 2010, Dan Abnett was one of the architects of the Renaissance in Marvel Cosmic, refurbishing (the real) Nova from a teen Spider-clone to a mature, bad-ass, powerful, leader of men and creating a Guardians of the Galaxy team concept that inspired the top-grossing movie of 2014.

In reward for his efforts, Marvel Editor-in-Chief, Axel Alonso, removed Abnett from the books he created, giving his GotG concept to Bendis to mangle into what many now call Garbage of the Galaxy or Guardians of the Galaxy in Name Only and handing the Nova concepts over to Loeb and Duggan who have distorted the Nova concepts with the dreadful series that many refer to as Nova in Name Only or NINO, for short.

Another brilliant call, Alonso. I never thought I’d be wistfully thinking of Quesada’s tenure as “The Good Old Days.”

I approached G3000 with a healthy dose of skepticism, but I have to say that Abnett has won me over. He clearly loves the characters, and he is intimately acquainted with and respectful of the rich lore underpinning the characters and concepts. While Bendis, Loeb/Duggan, Humphries, and Young are busy driving Marvel Cosmic into the ground with their campy and juvenile takes on the concepts, Abnett is busy giving cosmic back its wings. While GotGINO, NINO, SLINO, and RRINO falter and get worse with every issue, G3000 soars and gets better with every issue. The reason why is obvious. Abnett understands and respects the source material – and he is an accomplished science-fiction writer. In contrast, Bendis, Loeb/Duggan, Humphries, and Young have never understood or respected the source material, had no previous interest in cosmic science-fiction, and still would have no interest in cosmic if not for the GotG movie turning a huge profit and cosmic becoming all the profit-generating rage.

In this issue, Abnett introduces us to The Nova Prime of the year 3014, Rael Rider, as she interacts with The Xandarian Worldmind. It was great to see a real Nova sporting the surname of Rider, and it was great to see a real Nova helmet for a change with no Manga-style-uniformed NINO usurper in sight. It was also great for the Worldmind to be given page time again after a too long “hiatus” – a hiatus due to yet more spectacular mis-management by Brevoort and Alonso.

Abnett advances the story by further exploring how the Badoon have corrupted Stark tech and turned it into a force for evil. Abnett develops each character – giving each a distinctive voice and personality. He judiciously uses humor and weaves a tight tale of high-stakes peril and adventure for our protagonists. Contrast this with the bad sit-com humor and storylines, the total interchangeability of characters, and the outright ennui any adult reader feels after every issue of GotGINO, NINO, SLINO, and RRINO.

Sandoval is growing into the art for the G3000 concept. His renderings are somewhat less jarring and better proportioned for this outing with less emphasis on every character exposing their teeth in exaggerated facial expressions. Dentists must be in short supply in the 31^st Century – as what dentition is portrayed is enough to give an Oral Surgeon bad dreams for life. Delgado’s colors help soften the exaggerated artistic style of Sandoval for a more satisfying artistic experience than the past two issues. I’m still hoping for a change to a more photo-realistic artist in the near future. It would sure be nice to have Brad Walker on this book.

The numbers are in, and issue #1 of G3000 sold pretty much as many issues as Bendys’ loathsome GotGINO. This reportedly surprised Brevoort and Alonso as they wrongly think the key to cosmic is intelligence-insulting, campy, child-oriented storylines as demonstrated by their doubling-down on the failed GotGINO and NINO concepts that are still in publication thanks to easily satisfied zombies still buying them. It goes to show you that there’s a market for quality cosmic storytelling, and if it is given the opportunity to be produced – it will sell. That fact seems to consistently bounce off Alonso’s shiny dome – and that’s an indication of bad leadership.

So leave GotGINO, NINO, SLINO, and RRINO on the shelf – and instead buy G3000 to send Marvel a clear message that there is a market for high-quality cosmic storytelling rather than the sub-par, low-quality foolishness pervading the rest of their so-called “cosmic” books.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Guardians 3000 #2

I admit that I had my doubts about this book after reading the preview of it in the GotGINO anniversary issue. I also had my doubts that the classic team could provide grist for interesting stories. I’m overjoyed to say that my doubts have been allayed with the publication of this issue.

Welcome to Marvel’s one and only truly cosmic comic book. It goes to show you what a writer with true science-fiction street cred can produce.

It’s simply gravy to know that Brevoort and Alonso (hereinafter referred to as “Bonso”) are surprised, puzzled, and/or annoyed by the success of this book. They seem invested in thinking that the key to cosmic success is silly, campy, jokey, juvenile tripe (like Duggan’s NINO and Bendys’* GotGINO) rather than the serious, para-military science-fiction of Volume IV of Nova, Volume II of GotG, and now, Guardians 3000. It makes me happy to see Bonso proved wrong – and I’m happy frequently as they are wrong so very often.

Abnett weaves a fascinating “timey-wimey” tale – breathing new life into the time-causality-loop story trope with introduction of new character, Geena, who can “sense time structure.” Abnett does what a good SF writer does best – extrapolates from the present to build a plausible future. In this case, he takes the present Marvel Universe and builds a future where Stark tech is apparently co-opted by the Badoon invaders and used for terribly wrong purposes.

Abnett also shines by giving each of the Guardians a distinct voice and characterization. Each Guardian has an important role to play, they work together as a fighting team, they face important problems, and they effectively solve said problems. They’re slang is made part of their natural communication and the situations they find themselves in aren’t played for cheap laughs. There’s plenty of action and adventure with high stakes consequences at the end of the day. And, best of all, they’re not obsessed with or beholden to The Avengers or any future iteration or remnant of The Avengers.

Contrast that with Bendys’* current absolutely dreadful Guardians of the Galaxy (in Name Only) Volume III – and you’ll see how Bendis comes up lacking. Like I said – it’s the difference between Abnett – a skilled writer with SF street cred – and Bendys, a frustrated sit-com writer wannabe.

The only downside to G3000 is the art. Sadly, while Sandoval is a good artist and his style would be appropriate for another type of book, it is not right for G3000. A more photo-realistic approach works better for SF comics – and unfortunately Sandoval’s depictions are often too abstract. His focus on using teeth and grimacing to convey emotion and action is jarring at times – not to mention a way over-used technique. The exaggerated body proportions are also both jarring and disappointingly unattractive. Delgado does his best to soften Sandoval’s extremes with color and shading, but at the end of the day many are going to be turned off by the art and sadly, this may affect sales negatively.

It literally doesn’t get any better for Marvel Cosmic than this – because this is Marvel’s one and only true cosmic book at present. I hope every cosmic fan will leave NINO, GotGINO, LSINO, and RRINO on the shelf and instead buy multiple copies of G3000 with the money they save as G3000 deserves our whole-hearted support and encouragement. And as an added bonus, we get to frustrate Bonso by making G3000 a success and their favored tripe the failure it deserves to be.

Next issue sees the premiere of the Worldmind-connected Nova Prime of the G3000 era, an apparent descendant of one of the Rider men and Irani Rael. If for no other reason, I call on all true Nova fans to support this book to spite Bonso.

*Bendis’ name will be deliberately randomly misspelled throughout this article in blatant mockery of his random misspelling of “Rider” in GotGINO #20.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #21 (BendYs)

Since when is Star-Lord so clumsy and un-skilled with the ladies? Oh yeah – since Bendys* has been providing what passes for the writing of this book. It’s embarrassingly bad, really. Star-Lord was NEVER like this until Bendis got his greedy little paws on the character. Even Gunn didn’t mangle the characterization as badly for the movie. Humphries makes it even worse in his LSL book. I know the zombies who are keeping the sales of this book at acceptable levels have a high tolerance for cringe-worthy writing, but really.

This whole Star-Lord and Kitty long-distance romance was ill-conceived from the start. But with Bendis being the prince of ill-conceived ideas, who could be surprised. Star-Lord should be about Bendys’ age and Kitty is what – early 20’s? Hmmmm – something you’re trying to work out, Bendys? Mid-life crisis, maybe?

Bendys pulls out all the stops for this book with the bad situation comedy writing – even resorting to bathroom humor when Drax says he is late for a fight because he was busy taking a dump. Is that even funny? Maybe if you’re under the age of 9 – but funny to the actual demographic buying this book? I certainly hope not. And I don’t recognize this Drax. It’s certainly not Giffen’s Drax, or the classic Drax, or Infinity Watch’s brain-damaged Drax, or even Gunn’s dunder-head Drax. This Drax is some weird combination that is an inconsistent amalgam of all of the above and also inferior to all the above – especially the classic Drax and Giffen Drax iterations. One can only read this inferior characterization of Drax, shake one’s head, and mutter “Bendys.”

And why do the Avengers have ANYTHING to say about the activities of the Guardians? Why do the Avengers have to have a representative with the Guardians at all times? Why would the representative be Venom? Isn’t making Venom the representative just asking for trouble? And why would the Guardians accept that? Why are the Guardians portrayed as so weak and barely able to deal with the most mundane of problems – when in the past they single-handedly dealt with universe-level threats? Shake your head and mutter, “Bendis,” once again.

On the up side, the art and coloring are much improved from recent past issues. Schiti is growing into his depiction of the space-based environment, and Keith’s colors are the perfect complement. Once again, the art is the only saving grace of Bendys’ entire miserable mangling of this once great concept.

So – do yourself a favor and leave this one on the shelf. Instead, buy the classic TPB’s of Star-Lord, the Annihilation Omnibus – or Marvel’s one true cosmic book, Guardians 3000. You’ll be glad you took my advice.

*Bendis’ name will be randomly misspelled throughout the course of this article in blatant mockery of his random misspelling of “Rider” in GotGINO #20.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: NINO Nova #23 & 24

In this cliché-filled arc, Duggan has NINO take on Hulk’s Hulk – also known as “Kluh,” and NINO un-believably manages to defeat him with the overdone “shoot the Hulk into space trick.” How many times have you seen that one? Too many. At least Duggan freely admits that he “shamelessly” copies the story ideas of others. And what does that matter? The zombies will still buy this book and will take to Facebook and CBR Forums to defend it no matter the poor quality, implausibility, and lack of originality.

At least the annoying little jerk gets the beat-down he deserves and his “magic helmet” gets damaged in the process. I was rooting for Kluh to put him out of our misery – but, alas and unsurprisingly, Marvel keeps him alive to shoehorn into the next event in their ongoing desperate attempt to force feed NINO to the comic-reading audience at large. This – despite the fact that all but the zombies have soundly rejected NINO, and the book is well out of the top 100 in sales.

Once again, NINO’s mom won’t be winning any “Mother of the Year” awards as she continues to endanger his life by actually encouraging him to go fight Kluh. Apparently Duggan doesn’t have a problem with the morality of ongoing child endangerment – or like Brevoort – doesn’t have the courage to actually address the issue even when directly asked.

Then again – Spiderman and (the real) Captain America should know better, too. They are also complicit in endangering the life of a minor child. But why should anything in this ongoing travesty of a book make any sense?

The coloring for this arc is overall well done – but the art has been sub-par. I’ve always hated the manga-inspired uniform, but Baldeon over-emphasizes all the worst qualities of it – making NINO look even more ridiculous than usual in it – more than ever looking like a kid wearing his father’s old military uniform. The ranking star on the helmet looks like a large glob just plopped onto the front. Awful. But the zombies will take to Facebook and CBR Forums to insist that the art is wonderful, too.

But mostly, this book is just an ongoing insult to and diminution of the Nova legacy and concepts. Perhaps the best way to demonstrate that is in pictorial form:

We’ve gone from this:

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To this:

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To now this:

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Sad. Pathetic. Way to go, Marvel. Keep dishing up this warmed-over gruel and tripe for the zombies – and don’t dare question your bad decision to let Loeb hi-jack the concepts and water them down to the level of My Little Pony.

Thanks, A-Holes.

[[wysiwyg_imageupload:18044:]]

Now – cue the zombies to take to Facebook and CBR Forums to defend this garbage and hurl insults at me and anyone who agrees with me.

Movie News Reviews

Interstellar (2014) Review

Bringing Even More Credibility to Sci-Fi

A Film Review of Interstellar

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Is Christopher Nolan waging a losing battle to save the art of Hollywood-style filmmaking? His most recent contribution to humanity’s collective creativity is yet another fine example of thought-provoking and entertaining storytelling via the finest audio-visual technology the good folks at Syncopy can provide. Yet, amidst a sea of adaptation, rebooting and reimagining at the movies, the one detail about this film which is most unique and will be easily overlooked is Interstellar’s originality. It is a story written by talented screenwriters Chris and John Nolan based on the theoretical physics of Kip Thorne (who also happened to be the scientific consultant and producer for this film). When people complain about Hollywood’s cycle of regurgitated drivel that is based on X or inspired by Y, my recommendation would be to check out a Chris Nolan picture that isn’t a part of The Dark Knight Trilogy (for which he’s best known). Sure, he doesn’t have the extensive library of the Steven Spielberg’s or the Ridley Scott’s, but his selectivity permits an investment in multiple levels of the filmmaking process for just about every project he helms. It’s what makes him one of the last remaining auteurs in this business. Nolan does it his way, and his narrative imprint is neither a constrictive millstone nor is it an overbearing hammer, but more like a key unlocking doors to new perspectives and scenarios outside of the mechanical mass production of formulaic filmmaking.

As much as I enjoyed Interstellar, the one thing I fully expected from this film (which I ultimately did not experience) was the definitive “IT” factor making it the hands down best film of the year. Certainly, this is a situation where expectations can skew an experience as I was all but banking on the path Gravity (2013) paved for Oscar gold last year in the same way Moulin Rouge (2001) set up genre success for Chicago one year later in 2002. As interesting as the plot is, as compelling as the characters endear and as visually stimulating as the effects impress, the story exposes a major hurdle that the audience can trip on: pacing. “Adrenaline fueled roller coaster ride” is not something that would accurately describe Interstellar as a cinematic adventure. The first third of the runtime is devoted to heavy exposition and a bevy of set-ups. For this particular story, all of that groundwork is necessary for every single plot and thematic payoff that comes later on, but it is somewhat of a grind; so much so that people in the theater started engaging each other in small talk. As much as I absolutely cannot stand people talking in the movies, the lack of activity and intrigue early on tempts distraction.

The film’s second act features a significant increase to the stakes and the dangers which helps bring the audience back, but the narrative never sways from the concept of saving humanity as a species. Just about everything from metaphysics, morality, conservation, sacrifice, faith, family, evolution (and a multitude of other themes and ideas) are touched upon because this film claims that just about everything that defines humanity is as connected to our salvation as we are to each other as individuals as we are to our environments. I applaud the script’s ambition because these ideas are extrapolated from the fantastic, yet easily relatable scenarios that are presented thanks to some good characters and great performances. The story does shift gears a second time during the third act which may present problems for some members of the audience not willing to take leaps of faith to get past a few plot gaps. The action and conflict of the story become less about actual characters and realistic situations and become much more ambiguous and theoretical. It’s at this point the story “transcends time and space” and while it is extremely interesting to view this different dimension, reality, form of thinking, experience of reality (or however you want to describe it); reconciling it with the rest of the story proves a challenge unless one simply accepts and moves on. Fighting it by searching for some logical explanation for where the story wants to go may seem natural, but at that point in the story the rules of “reality” are out the window and should be viewed as such. Those in the audience that can “make the jump” may find a hopeful and inspiring ending while the rest may find an ending that is contrived and convenient. This moment could very well sweeten or sour the entire 2 hour and 49 minute film; no pressure.

Even if you don’t know what it is you are actually looking at on the screen, the visual effects at work during Interstellar never cease to impress. Science fiction as a genre has presented a number of notable, visually effect driven pictures so there have been a number of concepts that have been rinsed and repeated. I would say the same holds true for the basic “space flight” depictions of this film. Ships enter and exit atmospheres in similar ways, they spin to simulate gravity, and the hull gets breached by debris or other external forces. All of that you’ve seen before. What you haven’t seen are some of the more amorphous spatial phenomena depicted in the manner they have been here. We’ve seen wormholes in movies before as “pockets” and “funnels” of space/time that a vessel goes “into” but Interstellar presents it as a large, three dimensional sphere that a vessel “orbits” in order to cross into another galaxy. We’ve seen singularities (or black holes) before, but never quite on a massive scale that dwarfs the size of the sun in comparison. The process of entering a black hole in this film (warping, bending or otherwise destroying matter and light) takes a “less is more” approach by focusing on the subject which never breaks physical form and surrounding it with shear emptiness. Then there’s “the next dimension” which I won’t spoil any further by describing it as infinitely abstract art. All of these effects are masterfully crafted which reveal and obscure exactly what the director wants. Above all, these effects attempt something different from the status quo which is most welcome.

Despite Nolan’s literary and technical wizardry in his films, he still manages to extract intense emotions and marquee performances from his casts. Despite some of the fantastic scenarios his films are involved with, his need to ground them in reality by making it “feel” as real and relatable as possible to his cast allows for greater opportunities to connect with and relate to a larger range of viewers. The same holds true for the cast of Interstellar. Cast members from The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway and Michael Caine return here as a father/daughter physicist duo that’s part of a greater team dedicated to saving humanity. Their particular dynamic isn’t expressed by direct chemistry because the story doesn’t have them sharing the same space, but their individual performances evoke intense passion and even desperation for characters that are lifelong scientists. Jessica Chastain plays Murph, a talented scientist, but an even more devoted daughter whose research is motivated by love and less by equations. Murph’s journey as a character is a much more personal one which is defined by a series of disappointments, thus Chastain is called upon for several instances of anger and frustration without completely flying off the hinge. The rest of the cast is equally impressive with very limited screen time (thank you John Lithgow), just be prepared to see a few A-List cameos drop in playing roles you never saw coming which are very happy surprises.

Of course, Matthew McConaughey plays Cooper, our protagonist and one of the better everyman characters I’ve seen in recent years: a man of machines as well as the land, a trailblazing explorer as well as family man, a man of unfulfilled promise as well as the excellence of execution. Playing a great man that hasn’t done anything great in his own eyes is a challenge well suited for McConaughey’s natural persona (do I need to reference last year’s Oscar acceptance speech?). Once again, his droll, the timing of his delivery and his desperate need to emotionally exhaust himself in just about every scene makes his characters easy to like, sympathize and identify with. Not enough can be said of his performance in this film because it is absolutely vital to the audience’s experience. Only his character gives the audience a window to every event and without that character being someone every viewer can get behind, this film fails. Despite the slow start to this movie, every minute spent is used to endear Cooper to us and McConaughey nails every scene.

If Interstellar were a film that was more accessible to a wider demographic of moviegoers (and fleeting attention spans), the momentum for an Oscar victory would be an unstoppable force. As it stands, it is not a movie for everyone despite all of its impressive accomplishments and must therefore be considered as an immovable object when being considered for some of the best examples of filmmaking this year. This movie’s format and story can have stretches that may lose viewers who are not fully engaged. It also discusses subject matter regarding humanity, its nature, its purpose and its direction that may be uncomfortable if not divisive for people of today to discuss or deal with at any level. However, this film asks those questions in an intelligent, thoughtful, creative and dramatic way that simply dismissing it without giving it a chance would be downright criminal. I loved this movie for everything it showed me onscreen and every image it meant to parallel in real life. It may not end up being the best film of the year, but it cannot be missed if you are in the mood for a tantalizing adventure that electrifies the eyes, tickles the fancy and resonates with the soul.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #20 (Bendis)

It appears that Bendis has not read the history of the Nova concepts in general or The Thanos Imperative in particular. Or he did – and he just doesn’t care enough about the Rider character or his fans to make the effort to get anything right. Either way, he knows that zombies buy brands, and

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: NINO Nova #22

This one belongs on the shelf right next to My Little Pony so all the 8-year-old girls can get a copy. Really – IT IS THAT BAD. How any self-respecting, mentally-competent adult male can continue to buy this trash and visit comic book forums to insist that it is a good concept is beyond all reasonable understanding. Of course, the zombies who insist on defending this trash mostly congregate at shill sites like CBR and freely admit that they’ve actively avoided reading good cosmic, so that speaks for itself.

The art has long been the ONLY saving grace of this book. No so this time. It is “god-awful” to say the least. Painfully bad on the eye. Amateurish. Curiel does the best he can coloring, but he doesn’t have much to work with, and it shows.

Duggan reaches a new low with this issue that features NINO going trick or treating with the X-Kids, and all of them using their super-powers to bully some non-super-powered teens who are stealing candy from youngsters. Really, Duggan? That’s your story? Pathetic. I’ve seen Scooby-Doo episodes which were better written. Do everyone a favor and stick to writing Deadpool. You’re not a cosmic writer. Or better yet, stay with NINO – because stories like this are bound to send sales through the floor and end with NINO’s well-deserved cancellation.

Just as I predicted, in a The Guns of Will Sonnet rip-off, Duggan writes Jesse “just missing” connecting with his family via telepathic link. I bet there’s a lot more of those near misses where this one came from. That type of plot element gets old fast. Hey Duggan, even in The Guns of Will Sonnet the grand-father and grand-son searching for James found him before the end of the first season.

Of course, at the end of this issue, Cap telephones NINO’s mom and asks her to send NINO out to help the Avengers. And she does with her blessing. Really? So Cap is an irresponsible idiot just like NINO’s mom, huh? Inviting an un-trained, irresponsible minor with powers of mass destruction out on a mission? Preposterous. Stupid. Intelligence-insultingly implausible. Not to mention, immoral to send a minor child into combat. Cap must be demented – because he should know better than to so endanger not only a child, but also the mission and the public he is sworn to protect.

And those still buying and supporting this puerile trash in any way should know better, too. Especially if you’re a fan of the true Nova, Rich Rider. Join the rest of us in boycotting NINO. Let’s send Marvel a clear message that enough is enough and send into cancellation this ongoing insult to cosmic in general and the Nova concepts and legacy in particular.

Movie News Reviews

Movie Review: Gone Girl (2014)

2014’s Fall Film Season Is Here!

A Film Review of Gone Girl

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David Fincher’s latest thriller starring Batfleck (aka Ben Affleck) and Rosamund Pike is the first exceptional film for the fall season which sets an appropriately devilish tone as we approach Halloween for a story layered with thought provoking plot, twists, surprises, shock, awe and an unscrupulous need to take a shower after watching. Although the gist of this story revolves around a nightmare scenario for relative newlyweds, the fact is its paranoia thrusts its greasy palms into society’s chest cavity considering the commentary being made concerning the national media’s coverage of various kidnappings across the USA. Thank goodness we have a 24 hour news cycle to keep every living room with a flat screen hard wired to some of the most gruesome and perplexing tragedies that only the most singular slices of Americana can bring home as family entertainment.

Despite being a dialogue driven drama, there is plenty of meat to this hearty meal; namely the smart character dynamics, an escalating tone of suspense and cliché obliterating plot twists and resolutions. The viewer may be reintroduced to some common troupes of the “disappeared, who-dun-it, he said/she said” in the first 30 to 40 minutes, but the rest of the film sets the audience up with familiarity specifically to yank the rug out from under us. The audience is constantly on edge and being thrown for a loop as nothing plays out as it traditionally would. Although I designate this as a plus, some may find the twists a tad far-fetched, but either way, this movie will unsettle and may even send some viewers home needing to be cuddled in the fetal position by someone they truly love and trust (or do they? Muah, ha, ha!).

Before I continue singing the praises of the cast and crew of this film, it must be noted that the primary strength of this film is its screen story and script which happened to be written by the author of the original novel for which this film was adapted: Gillian Flynn. Obviously, it’s a major convenience to have the originator of a certain piece of fiction being as involved with an adaptation as possible, but despite all of the intangible benefits of this kind of cooperation, it is an uncommon practice for studios which may or may not have something to do with a bunch of board room tools knowing more about a story than the person that actually wrote it. Gillian crafts a suspenseful drama that translates very well to the screen with a story that is conscious of murder mysteries and unexplained disappearances that have been popularized in various forms of fiction as well as documented in a variety of news coverage. The cast of characters are all presented in stereotypical fashion for what seems like a garden variety mystery, but the story couldn’t play out any further from that. What makes all of the twists much more impactful is the wrench time put into setting up opposite presumptions; you know the ones that allow the audience to figure it all out before the halfway mark in the film. These instances lull the audience into thinking the obvious culprits will be found out for committing the same blundering mistakes they have for every crime drama ever conceived. With circumstances and character status in constant flux, the audience will find that they love to hate and hate to love every single character by the time the end credits roll. Of course, this is only made possible thanks to characters that reveal much more depth as individuals as every minute passes. In a genre for an industry that is so desperately fused to “the formula,” it is refreshing to experience a story that’s much more interested in breaking rules than obeying them.

Viewers beware: a severe lack of action is this film’s primary weakness. We may all know David Fincher for Fight Club, Se7en and The Game, but rest assured this film has even less action than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This may instantly turn off the male demographic, but to that I say “Hey! Summer is over. It’s time to get your psychological freak on!” What helps this film even less is the overall vanilla setting of suburban Missouri. Sure, scenes are almost always changing, but their combined lack of visual flair (save for one or two) makes them all blend together. Visual and special effects are also virtually nil, but there is one scene towards the film’s climax where a special effect salvo gets dumped all over the audience that pays off quite well considering its shocking timing. Long story short: Gone Girl isn’t about eye candy; it’s about mind jobs and emotional spasms.

With this kind of film, one must have his or her cast firing on all cylinders and I can confirm this is certainly the case despite my never having been a particular fan of one Mr. Ben Affleck. I’ll admit to somewhat nefarious motivations for seeing this film in that the trailers seemed to setup Affleck as either the antagonist or at the very least the subject of ridicule and rejection. Yes, the thought of that genuinely amused me because he hasn’t exactly been called upon to play the part of the punching bag in any of his films. However, Affleck meets this particular challenge with the casual, matter of fact confidence of a truly innocent man or the actual mastermind behind it all. Sure, he plays Nick Dunne, a prodigal son of Missouri who apparently has no ability to rediscover an accent that he may not ever have had, but his character’s “likeability” is a lynchpin to both the plot and the moment to moment experience for the audience. The fact that Affleck delivers nuanced performances that shrieks both guilt and innocence throughout the film completely bolsters the mystery and uncertainty. I found the chemistry he shares with onscreen sister Margo Dunne (Carrie Coon) to be a series of welcome breaks to the ever building intensity which does much to generate sympathy for the Dunne’s while generating specific instances of further incrimination as the film progresses. Affleck’s Everyman performance is superior to his previous contributions thanks to conscious decisions to play scenes in different (yet subtle) ways to keep the audience guessing.

Rosamund Pike may have been circulating in the Hollywood pipeline for a while, but she has finally found a signature role for which she is completely deserving of every bit of praise as well as a potential Oscar nomination for her performance as Amy Dunne, the titular “Gone” girl. As with Affleck, conscious choices are being made in tandem between Rosamund and director David Fincher to present a full spectrum character from inspired enchantress to loving wife to chilling ice princess (and everything in between). Ms. Pike’s ability to shift gears at will is masterful, and the fact that she retains such consistent demeanor in virtually every scene is absolutely confounding to the audience because it makes her character impossible to read. She commands the audience’s attention both in her active scenes as well as her voice over narration of the events as various journal entries are read to the audience to provide instantaneous back story and exposition which fills in the details as circumstances develop. There is a moment near the middle of the film where Amy’s perspective wrestles control from husband Nick where a thick veil of mystery is removed and almost changes the end game of the film into something much more predictable. Luckily, Rosamund’s performance continues to hold enough back to retain the right level of intrigue with the audience to keep us all guessing even at that point as to who did what, who is guilty, what just happened and how it could all possibly end.

The supporting cast is equally deserving of the praise I’ve already given its two leads. Right off the bat, I’ve got to say that Tyler Perry’s performance as attorney Tanner Bolt is easily the best I’ve seen of him as an actor for presenting a character that is as dynamic as he is entertaining and charismatic. Carrie Coon’s Margo Dunne is the most sympathetic character in this film as she masterfully sells the victim of circumstance thanks to her proximity to the key players. Let’s just say her performance demonstrates a text book example of how to deliver “frustration” in film. Kim Dickens approaches Detective Rhonda Boney with an even balance of rational investigator, small town yokel and sincere do-gooder. Her performance reflects enough authority and confidence during the investigation of a crime without becoming overbearing and annoying. Neil Patrick Harris’ contribution as Desi Collings presents a supremely effective (and creepy) wild card to the entire drama who’s sheer presence evokes a level of discomfort that is vital to the plot’s mystery and always raises suspicion with the audience.

Gone Girl is not your average thriller because it is a story designed to take you to familiar places from a plot perspective, but it leaves the audience in the abandoned alley ways of the unexpected, unnerving and downright repulsive. This overall strategy makes a relatively simple plot much more captivating. Labeling this film as a cautionary tale to married couples does the story a bit of a disservice because it could be applied to the relationship between any two individuals as a psychological experiment in what anyone could rationalize if pushed to their emotional breaking point. The two and a half hour runtime gives the audience an added window to equally disturbing and mind bending circumstances that would have been otherwise completely dropped and left to the audience’s imagination once the central plot resolved and the reason for this is that it doesn’t really resolve. There’s enough of an open ending to allow for a multitude of “what if’s,” but make no mistake, a hopeful storybook is a possibility removed from the negotiating table. This film is an exceptional mystery that is disturbing, graphic and above all, incredibly uncomfortable. If the viewer is up for that kind of emotional gut check, I couldn’t recommend a better film. You’ll never have a better time being made to feel so bad.

Comic Book News

Review: Guardians 3000 #1

Now THAT’s more like it!

Despite the “subtle bigotry of low expectations” perpetrated against this title by Brevoort and Alonso (hereinafter referred to as “Bonso”), it succeeds on nearly every level. And before I move on, I’d like to address Bonso’s ongoing bigotry against cosmic books, characters, and writers.

Before this book was ever released, Brevoort made several comments suggesting that he expected it to be a low seller and a quick cancellation. Alonso apparently felt the same – recently divulging how surprised he was that sales exceeded “expectations.” Bonso are responsible for the degradation of Marvel Cosmic into the “Marvel Universe” where, just like all Earth-based characters, all the cosmic characters are (stupidly) somehow subordinate to and less powerful than The Avengers. Bonso are responsible for the horrific messes that are Loeb’s NINO (Nova In Name Only) and Bendis’ GotGINO (Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only) – replacing better writers/concepts/characters/characterizations with inferior writers/concepts/characters/characterizations in a vain attempt to appeal to Spider-zombies and Avenger-zombies. Bonso were surprised when the MCU chose to make a Guardians of the Galaxy movie before a movie about many of their favored street-level characters – and even more surprised when it outsold the Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor movies. Basically, Bonso clearly doesn’t understand or respect cosmic – and they can’t seem to get cosmic right. They try to reduce cosmic to street-level, and that just doesn’t work. So Bonso – since you consistently lead in the wrong direction about cosmic and refuse to follow anyone who knows better than you about cosmic, why don’t you just get out of the way? Give cosmic its own line and appoint someone who likes and understands the characters to lead it. Then, recuse yourselves from any further involvement with cosmic – and take Loeb, Bendis, Duggan, NINO, and GotGINO with you.

G3000 proves what an accomplished science-fiction author can do with good source material. Each character has its own voice, and the interactions between characters are fluid and natural – just as we would expect for a team that’s been together for a long time. Abnett incorporates the slang of 31^st Century into the character interactions in such a manner that – while unfamiliar – it is nevertheless easily understood by any reader. Just as respectable science-fiction should, Abnett takes current grounded science facts and theories and extrapolates plausible future technology based upon these facts/theories. He wraps all of this into a tight, action-packed story that leaves the reader wanting more and excited about picking up the next issue in the series.

In contrast, Bendis’ GotGINO just takes hackneyed street-level Avengers-type stories/concepts and sets them in space, and Duggan’s NINO just rips off hackneyed Spide-Man concepts and sets them in space. Bendis’/Duggan’s characters are interchangeable, their interactions stilted, and their storylines implausible. Neither Bendis nor Duggan take any time to actually produce respectable science-fiction – preferring instead to load heavily on absurdity and then just throw things at the wall to see what sticks. That’s why Abnett soars and Bendis/Duggan sink.

The coloring of G3000 #1 is acceptable, but the art leaves something to be desired. Sandoval’s style is too cartoonish for this book. Devito, Walker, or McGuinness would have been better choices for this book as more realistic renderings tend to serve cosmic books better.

Abnett delivers a powerhouse first issue that breathes new life into the original GotG team. I would go so far as to say that this is the only truly cosmic book that Marvel is producing at this time. All the rest being touted as cosmic are really just “pseudo-cosmic” at best. So pick up your copy of G3000 today for Marvel Cosmic written as it should be.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #19 (Bendis)

It’s no secret that I think Bendis’ run on this title has been a disaster for the concepts and characters. He may be the “go to guy” for street level stories, but he’s “lost in space.”

Leave it to Bendis to stage a throw down in the collapsing Cancerverse between Thanos, Drax, (the real) Nova, Star-Lord, and the Revengers – have it illustrated by one of the best artists in the business complete with a strikingly compelling cover (that has nothing to do with the story, of course), and then have the story be so boring and so filled with continuity errors and mis-characterizations of the lead characters that the astute cosmic reader will be left feeling some strange combination of indignation, irritability, frustration, and disappointment.

Do you think Bendis actually read and understood The Thanos Imperative before he wrote this story arc? I think he just read the “Cliff’s Notes” version of it. Then he either misunderstood and/or promptly forgot even that and just wrote whatever the hell he wanted in order to sling out this story so he could devote more time to X-Men . This story (and Bendis’ entire run on this title) reads like it’s written by a guy who doesn’t really understand cosmic, doesn’t really like cosmic, doesn’t care enough to even try to get it right, and is really just doing it to cash in on the expected sales from the movie hype.

How come E-Vell isn’t all powerful and leading The Revengers? Why is E-Vell now a lackey? How is E-Vell even alive again since death killed him, entered the Cancerverse, and is busy destroying the Cancerverse? How are The Revengers alive again? With death functioning in the Cancerverse once again, how do any of these characters keep resurrecting? You can bet none of these inconvenient continuity questions will be answered as it would take too much time away from the inane banter among the characters that Bendis just loves to shoehorn into every issue. Hey Bendis – are you a frustrated sit-com writer wannabe? It’s sure coming across that way.

Who are Thanos and Drax? Especially Drax. I’ve never seen Drax talk and act like he does in this issue. Modern Drax is a Wolverine-ish, non-sentimental, bad-ass. He wouldn’t be holding Quill’s body in his arms and lamenting his loss. He wouldn’t be working with Thanos either. If he was anywhere close to Thanos, he’d be trying to kill him. I was almost embarrassed for Drax – the way Bendis has diminished him. And Thanos? I was actually embarrassed for him. Bendis has diminished him to the level of being the butt of the joke.

In contrast to last issue, Bendis writes Quill as the 20-something-year-old doofus he’s been writing since the lamentable day he took over this title. At least he shows how Quill became a decade younger.

Of course, as we all feared, Bendis saves the worst treatment for Nova. I mean the REAL Nova, Richard Rider, of course – not Loeb’s NINO. After all, Bendis has to pave the way for NINO with this story. Rich is portrayed out of character and much weaker than he should have been. He is shown having his arm sliced off by Revenger Cap’s shield. Sorry. Not going to happen. The Nova Prime should shrug that hit off with barely a notice that he had even been hit. But that’s Bendis’ lazy storytelling and his determination to humiliate the character and flip the real Nova’s fan base the bird once again. I’m sure Bendis will conveniently ignore Nova’s regenerative ability. He’s kind of telegraphed that he will in Quill’s dialogue.

Not to mention that Revenger Cap is shown holding his original pointed shield – and Nova’s arm is shown being sliced off by a round shield. Now there’s some editing worthy of Stephen Wacker. Did Wacker come back to edit this issue? That has to be the explanation.

You know – it shows that even in an alternate universe, Bendis has to make the “Avenger-ish” characters all powerful. He can’t keep himself from doing it. He’s made the Guardians the Avengers lackeys since the deplorable day he took over this title. Makes you think he’d rather be writing The Avengers, doesn’t it? I sure wish he’d go back to The Avengers and leave cosmic alone.

Gamora and Quill continue to be written out of character in their scenes where they argue about what happened in the Cancerverse. I’m not sure why Gamora keeps accusing Quill of lying or why Quill has kept any of this a secret. I suppose Bendis is saving the horror of those reveals for the next issue. I dread reading how Bendis will disrespect the REAL Nova and his fans one last time.

This issue is just one long, disappointing game of “keep away” using the Cosmic Cube as the prize. Truth is, this whole story of playing “keep away” with The Cosmic Cube is just dumb. Nova has The Worldmind inside of him. I’m sure The Worldmind would know exactly how to use the Cube to get back to the 616 Universe. Thanos was never needed for that task and it could’ve been accomplished immediately – stranding Thanos and not requiring Quill and Rich to sacrifice themselves. Bendis completely ignores the Worldmind’s presence, of course, as that would create a problem for his weak and poorly crafted storyline. But I’m sure all the Marvel Zombies and Bendis apologists will ignore the weaknesses and continuity errors and instead will take to Facebook and insist that this story was outstanding – just as they do for all Bendis products.

In summary, don’t let the striking, compelling cover of this issue fool you. It’s the perfect Wal-Mart-ish product – looks good on the outside, but don’t look closely on the inside or you’ll find that it’s shoddy, cheap, and most likely toxic.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: NINO Nova #21

There is very little right with this book, but one of the major things wrong with it is that it tries way too hard to be Spiderman – and always falls short. When NINO goes to the Principal’s office, you halfway expect J. Jonah Jameson to be behind the desk yelling, “Parrrrrkerrrrr!” That sort of thing was priceless back in Spidey’s original heyday. Now, it’s just hackneyed.

Giffen and later, DnA, rightly realized that the Spiderman riff never really worked for Rider Nova and instead created a complex, powerful, and interesting character in their reboot. Leave it to the creative bankruptcy of Loeb, Duggan, Brevoort, Alonso, and Bendis to run as fast as they can in the opposite direction of Giffen’s innovation and for their reboot shovel out the trite, puerile, nonsense that is NINO.

The hilarious thing is that despite Brevoort and Alonso shoe-horning NINO into everything they possibly can and trying to make NINO a headliner – NINO still scrapes the bottom of the sales list – coming in at the low end of the top 100 or outside of the top 100 altogether most months. Buyers are staying away in droves despite having NINO constantly shoved in their faces. That bespeaks a weak character and a weak concept – and issue #21 is just icing on the weak cake.

Loeb, by his own admission, created a weak character and concept. Loeb said he wanted NINO to be an “idiot.” He certainly succeeded. In this issue, NINO finally gets around to going after his dad. His unfit parent of a mother allows him to skip school to do it. Hey, Duggan – fine message to the kiddies about the importance of education.

Duggan slathers on more weak sauce when he expects us to believe an advanced civilization with advanced technology would be fooled by a Trojan Horse trick, and NINO could just fly into a high security area, beat up all the more powerful adults, and then fly away unscathed. As usual, I was rooting for the logical outcome of such a scenario – with the adults winning and killing the little idiot. Alas – I was disappointed yet again with NINO improbably just flying away, and Duggan setting up a storyline reminiscent of The Guns of Will Sonnett where Jesse will be off aimlessly wandering through the cosmos with NINO always just missing crossing paths with him.

Weak. Insipidly sentimental. Hackneyed. It’s Duggan’s, Brevoort’s, Alonso’s, Loeb’s way of keeping NINO the teen-idiot-Spider-man-ish-Lone-Ranger without any competition from the much more interesting adult, Jesse, and the vastly superior concept, Giffen’s rebooted Rider Nova. That is to say, if Jesse was brought back to active duty it would be the same as if Rich Rider was brought back – fan interest would shift to the more interesting adult character, and Loeb’s NINO would deservedly be reduced to the silly teen side-kick that he is and mercifully fade away. That’s why Duggan et al will never let the adults play a more active role in this book other than to be more stupid than NINO.

In terms of art/coloring – I suppose the best was done with the material given to work with – but NINO continues to look ridiculous wearing a military uniform. He looks like a kid playing dress up with his dad’s uniform. And let’s face it, he is. At one point he refers to himself as “The Last Nova.” Nah. Never. Jesse was derelict. The last true Nova was Rich Rider. Idiot Sam was never inducted into the Corps, is not empowered by a higher authority to enforce pan-galactic law, and has never been trained to be a Nova. How could Sam the idiot be anything but a “Nova in Name Only?”

So leave this sad degradation of the once great Marvel Cosmic concepts on the shelf of your local comic shop and join the fans of the true Nova, Rich Rider, in their boycott. A few thousand less buyers and NINO will be in the dustbin where he belongs.

Comic Book News

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #18 (Bendis)

Bendis has earned praise writing street-level crime fantasy books – such as Daredevil. He’s unquestionably talented at producing such fare. Sadly, he has no “street cred” as a science-fiction writer. And it shows. It’s what people mean when they say they don’t like the “voice” of this series – especially in comparison to Volume II (you know, the Non-Bendis-Written material upon which the summer’s biggest movie was based).

Volume II soared into the awe and wonder of the cosmos with the Guardians directly – often single-handedly – involved in competently handling universe changing events. With Volume III, Bendis has reduced the Guardians to a marginally competent, third-rate Avengers-lite team; only slightly less obsessively Earthcentric than the actual Avengers and definitely not ready for prime time. He stuffs as many Avengers as possible into the team and has Star-Lord taking marching orders from the Avengers or worrying about what the Avengers will think about his actions. I’m sure at some point he’ll have the Guardians take on Kingpin in Hell’s Kitchen – and probably lose the fight. His conception of the Guardians has them taking on small problems mostly concerning Earth – and barely being able to handle these small problems. Of course, lots don’t like this “voice.” Face it, if not for the movie hype, this book would’ve been cancelled six ssues ago due to lack of interest/sales as nothing much of consequence has happened up to now. Even Brevoort has admitted that sales of this book are primarily due to movie hype.

This issue has been eagerly anticipated by several different factions. Rich Rider fans have hoped it will bring his return to full duty status in the Marvel Universe as the powerful, bad-ass hero he was in Volume IV of the Nova series. NINO fans hope it will be Rich’s death story so as to cement NINO in place once and for all. Neither faction will be satisfied by this issue. It’s just a long lead-in to a larger story arc that only begins to answer the question posed by Gamora at the beginning of the issue: “Where is Nova? What happened to Richard Ryder?” At least Gamora knows who the REAL Nova is. And apparently Bendis has spelling problems. Hey Bendis – it’s spelled R-i-d-e-r.

Unless Bendis uncharacteristically resists the obvious clichés being telegraphed in this issue, this story arc will likely be a gift to the NINO fans who want Rich gone once and for all. Star-Lord appears to be under the influence of a Cosmic Cube trying to protect itself – and (the actual) Nova appears to be getting ready to take the Cube away from him before Thanos can gain possession of it. You can guess what happens next. Particularly with the Revengers set to guest-star next issue.

I will say that this issue is the best issue of the worst GotG series to date. It has more competently performed action than all previous issues combined. And Rich’s brief action sequences and panel time are better than all 20 issues of NINO combined. I also enjoyed seeing Star-Lord back in uniform and actually acting like his Volume II self rather than the 20-something-year-old doofus that he has been morphed into by Bendis. I enjoyed seeing Drax in his intelligent, muscular, tattoo-less, purple-skull-cap-wearing incarnation obsessed with killing Thanos. Thanos himself came across as less menacing/powerful than he should have been. Thanos’ portrayal is the big disappointment in this issue. Thanos plans for all possible contingencies. He should’ve already found several ways to exit the Cancerverse independent of the Cube and harassment from Star-Lord, (the real) Nova, and Drax. He’s pretty much an ineffectual talker at this point.

The art and coloring are outstanding. As always, McGuinness and Ponsor do not disappoint. As is typical, the art is the best feature of Volume III.

So, it’s a mixed bag with Bendis apparently setting up to flip the bird to the Rider fans once again. Hold on – because it’s going to be a rocky ride for the next couple of months as both fan factions invested in the outcome of this storyline engage in some bruising fights in comic book forums.

Comic Book News Marvel

Advanced Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #18

This independent reporter was invited to interview writer, Brian M. Bendis, in regard to Issue #18 of GotGINO (Guardians of the Galaxy In Name Only). Mr. Bendis insisted that the interview take place at the headquarters of Comic Book Resources. This reporter arrived at CBR at the designated time and was promptly escorted to a room containing a full size replica of the Game of Thrones’ Iron Throne placed high upon a dais with no visible staircase. A bell rang, and CBR’s staff of comic book reviewers and forum moderators rushed into the room to form a human staircase leading up to the throne. Bendis’ Chancellor, the one-eyed hunchback known as Jonah, slowly ascended the human staircase to stand behind and to the right of the throne beside a small table containing a vial. A trumpet sounded, and Bendis rushed in from a side door, rapidly ascended the human staircase, and plopped down upon the throne. He looked at Jonah and nodded affirmatively. Jonah picked up the vial – now clearly seen to be labelled ‘Rogain’ – squirted some of its content into his hands, and began giving Bendis a slow scalp massage. The human staircase of CBR comic book reviewers and CBR forum moderators then dispersed – bowing to Bendis, surrounding the Iron Throne, and hissing at this reporter.

Jonah: [frowning at TL] It is customary to bow in the presence of the Master.

TL: He’s not my master, and my people don’t bow.

Jonah: [strong look of disapproval on his face, yells] You are not among your people now!

TL: Just the same, we don’t bow.

Jonah: [falls to his knees before Bendis] Master! Please allow me to ban this filthy infidel as we do all filthy infidels who refuse to conform to our worship of you and your company! Or, if it please you, allow me to subject him to all the insults regularly directed toward him by all your sycophants who frequent our forums! I beseech thee!

BMB: [waves his had dismissively] Nay. A King must be merciful and forgiving. I grant him Pardon for these and all other offenses against the Crown and the Realm. But pray, Jonah, while kneeling shine my shoes. As always, their luster must exceed that of my head’s luster to draw attention from it. Now send in my fool so that we may begin with some entertainment.

Jonah: [Nods to a guard at the side door. Begins shining shoes. The side door opens and Tom Brevoort runs out holding three juggling pins. He fumbles the pins, trips over his duster and falls to the floor knocking himself out. His funny brown hat falls off and a half-eaten Egg McMuffin rolls from underneath it. The whole room laughs as he is carried back through the door].

TL: [laughing] Thanks, Bendis. That was funny.

BMB: Come back on Wednesday to see my Chief Fool, Wacker, perform.

TL: I may take you up on that. I’d like to begin by asking you a few questions about GotGINO #18. I notice that you don’t make spelling mistakes with headliner characters – so we don’t see mis-spells like ‘Toney Starke’ or ‘Thore’ or ‘Steve Rodgers’ in your books. Yet, you’ve consistently mis-spelled Rich Rider’s name as ‘Ryder.’ Do you have some sort of intermittent dyslexia or do you just not care enough to get it right?

Jonah: [stops shining shoes, jumps to his feet, a look of outrage on his face; the hissing of the CBR forum moderators and comic book reviewers increases in volume to near deafening levels; Jonah points accusatorily at TL and thunderously yells] Hold, peasant! You will NOT question the Master’s infallibility! Guards! Seize the heretic!

BMB: [raises his hand to the approaching guards] Hold! [to the CBR moderators/reviewers] Silence! [to Jonah] Resume polishing. The un-believer has been given an audience, and the ways of his people are different than ours. We shall tolerate his heresy by and by.

Jonah: [shoots TL a look of pure hatred; bows to BMB] Yes, Master. Do you mean for me to polish your shoes or your head?

BMB: My head.

Jonah: [retrieves a chamois cloth from his pocket, sprinkles Rogaine onto it, begins buffing BMB’s head]

TL: In a recent interview, you blame DnA for killing Rich Rider in an apparent attempt to deflect blame for whatever you’re going to do in GotGINO #18. Yet, DnA have been quoted in an interview in which I served as a questioner that they in fact did not kill Rich – just marooned him in the Cancerverse until their book was returned from what was then termed a ‘hiatus.’ Only later did we learn that in Marvel-speak the word ‘hiatus’ meant ‘cancelled’ despite Quesada, and more recently, Marvel Editor Bill Rosemann, saying that Rich’s book had solid sales numbers — as did Volume II of GotG. Care to come clean and admit that Rich’s ‘death’ is just an editorial ret-con to make room for Loeb’s awful NINO, and the garbage that Wacker spouts about sales being responsible for Volume II GotG being cancelled is also a lie? You guys just wanted to cash in on the expected surge in sales for cosmic coming from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, right?

Jonah: [the hissing of the CBR moderators/reviewers again increases in volume; Jonah whines] Master, how much must we abide? Let me at least ban the infidel heretic.

BMB: Nay. I wilst clearest this matter upest. I say again unto you, heretic, that all is the fault of DnA.

TL: I guess next you’ll be blaming Moon Knight on them.

BMB: [eyes narrow] Just so. DnA told me to write Moon Knight that way. Yeah. That’s right. They made me write Moon Knight that way. Abnett tied me to a chair and Lanning pistol whipped me until I agreed to sign my name to their treatment of Moon Knight. Yeah. That’s the ticket. So, once again, it was DnA’s fault.

TL: And Secret Invasion?

BMB: The fault of DnA.

TL: Of course.

BMB: I do tire of this line of questioning. I much prefer the soft-ball questions and flattery of IGN or CBR. Jonah, show the heretic out.

Jonah: [CBR Moderators/Reviewers form another human staircase; Jonah decends; points to the door] This way, filthy infidel.

TL: [turns to leave; then darkness]

TL: I awoke tied to a chair in a sub-basement of CBR HQ. Other political prisoners were tied up next to me. We were subjected to terrible torture – including power-point presentations of every issue of NINO and GotGINO with commentary from Loeb and Bendis; daily recitations from Brevoort’s Tumblr page; and screenings of every episode of Loeb’s and Wacker’s Ultimate Spiderman, Hulk and the Agents of SMASH, and Avengers cartoons. Just as we were about to give up hope, we were rescued by a Commando Team led by Stingerman, dmills, Kalen Rann, MysterioHelmet, MBond, Sephiroth89, Twinkfist, and NovaSpaceKnightBetaReyX51. To this brave Commando Team, we former political prisoners are forever grateful. Unfortunately, TL’s recordings of this interview were not recovered during the initial rescue. They were recovered at a later time by Bothan Spies. Many Bothan Spies gave their lives to bring you this interview. I hope you enjoyed it. –TL

*Special thanks to MBond for the inspiration for the spelling joke.

Note: This is an article in a series of satirical/parody Opinion-Editorial type articles and reviews of GotGINO and NINO. If you’re a GotGINO, NINO, or Bendis fan; you’re probably not going to like it. So, spare yourself the upset, stop reading right now, and go on over to CBR to read any article heaping un-deserved praise upon NINO, GotGINO, Bendis, etc. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk of outrage – and don’t whine about it on the forums or on Facebook if this article presents views radically different than yours. You have been warned.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: NINO Nova #20

Marvel Vice-President, Tom Brevoort, agreed to grant this independent reporter an interview over breakfast under the condition that I pick up the tab. He asked me to meet him at a McDonalds just off Times Square. I entered the restaurant and saw him sitting by himself in a booth wearing his signature brown hat and duster.

TL: Good morning, Mr. Brevoort.

Brevoort: [looks TL up and down] I thought you’d be taller.

TL: I’m 6 feet tall.

Brevoort: [motioning to a restaurant employee approaching with a platter full of Egg McMuffins and hash browns] Pony up, son!

TL: [hands the waitress a credit card] I don’t think I’ve ever spent $80 at a McDonalds before.

Brevoort: [hands TL one Egg McMuffin and one hashbrown; keeps the rest for himself] Really? I have. Regularly.

TL: I’m a little surprised you granted me this interview. I mean, given that we’ve had a pretty contentious set of exchanges in the past.

Brevoort: Wilth, Shceeber culdnt bay tady.

TL: Excuse me?

Brevoort: [swallows mouthful of Egg McMuffin] Well, CBR couldn’t buy today.

TL: Of course.

TL: I just finished reading NINO #20 and I wanted to get your reaction to some of my observations about NINO in general and this issue in particular.

Brevoort: [rolls eyes] Again with the NINO stuff? Really? He’s ‘Nova’ because I made him Nova. There’s no ‘In Name Only’ to it. Take it or leave it. I replaced Rider with Sam; and it’s Sam or nothing.

TL: I know that’s you position, and I’m glad you brought it up because that was going to be one of my questions. He’s never been inducted into the Corps by anyone empowered to do so, he doesn’t report to a higher authority, he’s had no training and is unfamiliar with any pan-galactic law granting the Corps law enforcement authority, he doesn’t live up to the ideals of the Corps, and even after issue #20 it’s not clear whether the so-called ‘Black Novas’ were criminals or eventually officially sanctioned. He’s wearing his dad’s uniform and pretending to be a Nova. How is he anything other than a Nova In Name Only?

Brevoort: You cosmic fans think about stuff too much. Look – we just want to sell books. That’s what we do. It doesn’t have to make sense. The zombies will still buy it. My advice to you and your little cosmic fan friends – just stop thinking and start buying.

TL: In other words, become zombies.

Brevoort: Sure. Whatever. [Drops some McMuffins into the pockets of his duster; puts a McMuffin and a hash brown under his hat].

TL: So now I understand the outfit.

Brevoort: Yeah – the coat has deep pockets for snacks and the hat traps heat to keep one warm for a mid-morning snack later.

TL: What about the child soldier issue then. You say forget logic and just go with it. But, come on. In this issue he skips school, almost dies from poisoning, and destroys the defenses at a military outpost that he should have protected. In fact, why were the defenses activated against him anyway if he’s a real Nova as you claim? Particularly since the computer recognized him as Jesse. Furthermore, isn’t it poor parenting for both of his parents to encourage him to risk his life? Isn’t it a poor example for him to skip school and to be disrespectful to teachers as he has in the past? Aren’t you sending the wrong message to the 8-year-olds at whom this book is presumably aimed?

Brevoort: [slowly finishes a hash brown before answering] Bucky, Mulan, Katness, Arya Stark, Joan of Arc, etc.

TL: Precedents? Your argument is precedents? Just because minors have risked their lives before in fiction and historical fact doesn’t make it morally right in reality or in fiction in the present. And most of those weren’t encouraged to do so by their parents. And presumably you’d like these 8-year-olds at whom this book is aimed to be able to read so they can continue to buy your products – so what’s with the disrespect for school and teachers?

Brevoort: [motions to my untouched hash browns] You gonna eat that?

TL: It’s all yours.

Brevoort: [finishes the hash brown; un-raps another McMuffin] You do know this is fantasy, right?

TL: Of course. But shouldn’t it follow some internal logic? Otherwise, it talks down to the reader. Also, don’t you have a responsibility to send an appropriate message to the young readers you’re trying to capture? Is glorifying using children as soldiers and deprecating education the right message?

Brevoort: It’s selling above cancellation threshold, so the zombies like it well enough. Like I said before…………

TL: Stop thinking and start buying.

Brevoort: [winks] Riiiiiight. On to a more important topic. Have you tried their new Peaches & Cream fried pies?

TL: No. But order away if you like.

Brevoort: [waves at the employees to get their attention; Points at the fried pie rack and puts up 5 fingers]

TL: Sorry, but I have to follow up because that unbridled Capitalism argument just doesn’t cut it. What about the moral implications of using a child as a soldier? You claim NINO is a real Nova just because you say so. If he’s a real Nova, that makes him a soldier. Rich was at least enlistment age when he was deputized. NINO was 14 when he was first sent into battle with minimal training. The entire world is now condemning use of children as combatants and as shields for combatants. Why is Marvel/Disney glorifying it?

Brevoort: Well maybe if this place would hire a few 8-year-olds, I could get my fried pies a little faster. [yells at the front counter] Hey! Where’s my pies?

TL: You can’t be serious.

Brevoort: Like I said……….

TL: Stop thinking, start buying.

Brevoort: [winks] Riiiiight. [snatches a sack full of pies from a McD employee] You don’t want one of these do you?

TL: [hands credit card to McD employee] All yours.

TL: All right. What about the weapon of mass destruction issue? NINO is portrayed as an irresponsible minor. He skips school, is disrespectful to teachers, he’s negligent in babysitting his sister allowing her to put on the ‘magic helmet’ and inadvertently do damage. He’s portrayed as having at least Centurion level powers – essentially, the destructive powers of a tactical nuclear weapon. How is it that all the adults in the Marvel Universe are just fine with him having enough power to level a city – yet being demonstrably irresponsible in its use?

Brevoort: [stares with a mouthful of fried pie] Haff yubn lstning?

TL: Stop thinking, start buying.

Brevoort: [swallows the pie] Right. And speaking of buying, I’m getting a little thirsty. [motions at the shake machine and puts up 2 fingers]

TL: Go for it.

TL: Let’s move on to characterization. In this issue, Rocket is written completely out of character as a thug who beats up a doctor who is only trying to help him. Fans have also been upset by the writing out of character of most of the cosmic characters who have appeared in NINO’s book and in GotGINO. Starstalker was recently written as a cowardly idiot. Spaceknights have been written as buffoons. Cosmo has been written completely out of character every time he has appeared. And don’t get me started on the wreck Bendis has made of the GotG team. Simple question. Why? And don’t tell me, ‘Stop thinking, start buying,’ if you want me to pay for those shakes.

Brevoort: Look. We understand how to sell comic books. You don’t. The zombies aren’t all that imaginative. They have to have someone who’s relatable – you know, like a Norse God, a Billionaire Inventor, a World War II Soldier, a Canadian Guy with a metal skeleton and claws, a smart-ass mercenary who can’t be killed, a human with the powers of a spider, or a guy who turns into a giant green monster when he gets mad. Anybody could relate to them, right? But these space characters – now they are just weird! Totally un-relatable in comparison! I mean, who could relate to a weirdo like Star-Lord? Now – a female version of Thor – that I can relate to in an instant. Who couldn’t? And why would anybody care about anything happening outside the surface of the Earth anyway? We had to dumb down and camp up those weirdo cosmic characters – and also contrive some reason for them to be obsessed with Earth in order to get the zombies interested. In the case of Sam, Loeb just wanted to create a character with a readymade fan base – and we didn’t think there were enough of you Rider fans to make much of a fuss if we replaced Rider. In fact, we didn’t think you’d even notice and that you’d buy it anyway. [motions to the approaching McD employee holding 2 shakes] Now how about those shakes.

TL: [hands the McD employee a credit card] I think you’re under-estimating the intelligence of your readers.

Brevoort: [belly laughs, spurting a mouthful of shake onto the table] That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week!

TL: The art used to be the best part of the cosmic books. Lately, it’s taken a turn for the worse. NINO #20’s art was cartoonish.

Brevoort: We have a saying. Why pay for good art when the zombies will buy anything – and then take to the forums and insist the bad art is good! [laughs, shakes his head] Gotta love those zombies.

TL: I must say that I’m feeling more discouraged about the future of cosmic than I did when I walked in the door. In closing, can you give me any hope for a better future?

Brevoort: Absolutely! I have a better future planned beginning tonight!

TL: Really? Can you talk about it?

Brevoort: Of course! It’s ‘all you can eat steak night’ at The Golden Corral! The future is looking pretty good to me right about now. Care to join me tonight to finish this interview? You pick up the tab, of course.

TL: No, thanks. I think we’ve just about covered everything we need to cover.

Note: This continues the series of satirical/parody reviews of Marvel’s so-called Cosmic books.

Movie News Reviews

Review: Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

Black and White and Red All Over

A Motion Comic … er, Film Review of Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

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The sort of, but not really sequel to Sin City (2005) has hit the summer of 2014, and I was a bit confused by it all. Certain characters are still alive and kicking while others remain deceased as per the events that transpired in the first film. I understand that this franchise is Frank Miller’s neo-noir wet dream where time (I presume) doesn’t have any real meaning, but this isn’t a comic book or a motion comic. It’s a film adaptation that essentially has no loyalty to its predecessor whatsoever so if the viewer’s only experience in this mythos is the first film, A Dame to Kill For will leave you scratching your head. But then, co-directors Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez didn’t intend on even this much thought going into their flick in the first place. The fact is that this Sin City is yet another protein shake of testosterone and steroids that’s as satisfying to men as it is vomit-inducing to women. The brand is an exercise in unadulterated, hyper graphic, human behavior where all men are cavemen and all women are whores. And that’s fine; what with the first amendment and all. The film would have been made a bit more substantial if it tried to use all that shock value for some kind of commentary, but alas it’s just 2 hours of raw machismo. Again, that’s totally fine, but when the audience has seen this kind of graphic violence time and time again (and that’s this film’s ONLY Ace up its sleeve), well, the one trick pony gets as old and busted as Mr. Ed.

Frank Miller penned the script for A Dame to Kill For and once again utilizes every character self narrating every passing thought in addition to their dialogue in every scene. It was an expository VO strategy that wore out quickly in 2005 and is equally tiresome today, not just for the constant droll of incessant speak, but because the audience isn’t allowed to use any imagination to make their own sense of a scene because every scene is always telling them what to think. As for the story, here’s the abridged version: I’m a man; therefore I have an insatiable ego that I attempt to feed with violence, dominance, murder and substance abuse. I’m a woman; therefore I am super sexy and must use my body to get brainless men to do whatever I want for selfish motives. Yawn. The dialogue and plot for every sub-story at work in this film is pedestrian. It is mechanical, it is formulaic and worst of all it is boring.

One fun thing that is happening in this film is the patented Sin City color scheme that features stark contrasts between black and white, with some strategically placed splashes of vibrant color within every frame. It’s a visual aesthetic that requires an army of visual effect artists that are at the top of their games. Their combined effort along with the make-up, costume and set design departments deliver an impactful experience that clearly channels the comic book/graphic novel format, but of course, in live action. Sincerely, two thumbs way up for the visual style and presentation of this film.

Nudity! It’s a significant element of this film, and before I give you the rundown, know that there is 0% full frontal male that makes the final cut as every instance where one would see a penis is conveniently concealed by a perfect placement of shadows that reveals no texture and no line so thoroughly that it’s as if a black hole were placed above the crotch. With a film as pulpy as this, the audience is bound to be subjected to some amount of it, but I hate to disappoint all those horny boys out there; Jessica Alba’s non-nudity clause in all of her film contracts is still going strong. Sure, that’s really weird for a character in a film as R-rated as this that happens to be a stripper, yet shows the least skin, but whatever. In Miller and Rodriguez we trust, right? Character actress Juno Temple goes topless for a scene with Ray Liotta which will turn some heads and get the attention of directors and producers for future parts because she is quite lovely, but is not called upon to discard all her apparel, and the scene is shot from a wide perspective, so this one instance in the buff could easily qualify as “tasteful.” Of course, all this pales in comparison to the frequent display of an exquisite example of the female form in all its glory by one Ms. Eva Green, a woman who has said Hollywood only sees her as a femme fatale and naturally plays exactly that in this film. Green appears to be a woman born to be placed in front of a camera and is as confidant an actress with or without a stitch of clothes on her. Let’s just say there’s nothing left to the imagination regarding Eva Green in Sin City.

The action in this film is as dynamic as a transition between cells in a comic book. Again, this was a conscious choice for this production, but it doesn’t translate well to 34 FPS. I found the “kung fu” displayed by Jamie Chung as Miho to be laughable especially when she’s shooting her bow. The gunplay was average and fisticuffs featured a lot of cutaways to shadows. Even the scenes featuring characters driving in this movie seemed flat and lifeless. The true “eye candy” of this film is entirely composed of the previous two paragraphs of this review.

I feel torn concerning the performances of this film because every actor is called upon to behave like an over the top, cartoon character and everyone does an exceptional job in doing so. Sure, every character is edgy, dark, disturbed and raw, but they’re cartoons nonetheless. As such, not many of the actors leave a lasting impression as Bruce Willis walks around a few times, Mickey Rourke punches and growls, Josh Brolin looks really angry all the time, Rosario Dawson is lucky to be there and Jessica Alba dances really well. On the other hand, Powers Boothe (what a stage name) plays an exceptionally nefarious villain in Senator Roark, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the one character worth generating any sympathy for as Johnny and Eva Green is no woman to trifle with as Ava the “Dame to Kill For” whom everyone can’t stop loving to hate.

The circumstances aren’t laid out too well for this Sin City “sequel.” A hard R plus mild entertainment value by themselves suggest a weak take even from the global box office, but when factoring in the stereotypically male branding of this franchise, not too many girlfriends would tolerate being dragged to this one. The storytelling at work in this film may be graphic, but it’s far too nonchalant to generate any suspense, intensity, or even intrigue outside of the brief window of the present moment. Yeah I get it; (Ba)Sin City is really messed up, populated and run by messed up people. My question is, “And then what?” I can appreciate looking at beautiful women as much as the next guy, but a movie must do more than look pretty to get my endorsement. This is a must-see strictly for those hot for Eva Green.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: NINO Nova Special #1

I keep thinking NINO (Nova In Name Only) can’t get any worse. And then, NINO defies my expectations and hits a new low point. The NINO “Special” may “specially” occupy the space of worst NINO story to date.

There is not one saving grace in this issue. The art is horrible – amateurishly cartoonish. The coloring is horrible – dull, flat, and washed-out. The writing is insultingly bad – worse than Loeb, Wells, and Duggan combined if you can believe it!

Marvel just can’t stop themselves from destroying everything DnA did to bring quality to cosmic storylines. This time out, they take Monark Starstalker and turn him into a mewling, pathetic little wuss who screws up and has to ask for help from NINO. Really? NINO? Asking for help from NINO? Loeb’s idiot brainchild? Why would anyone ask for help from NINO? Especially a clever and tough android like Starstalker. And then NINO does very little to help. He pretty much just stands around and talks about why he can’t help. And he’s ineffectual in the brief fight. Pathetic.

To top it off, it really isn’t even a cosmic or NINO story – it’s an X-Men and Iron Man story. So, once again, the cosmic characters are sent to the back of the bus, and the superhero headliner characters take over the book.

This issue is proof positive of what I’ve been saying all along about NINO. If you keep buying it – all you’ll get is more NINO, and it will just get worse.

Please save your $4.99 and leave this trash on the shelf. Marvel needs to be punished for this one. In fact, Marvel needs to be punished for producing NINO at all. For those of you still buying NINO, and therefore shoveling more dirt on Rider’s grave, join the rest of us in the boycott. Remove NINO from your pull list, cancel you digital subscription to NINO, boycott the Ultimate Spiderman cartoon and erase it from your DVR’s record list, remove New Warriors from your pull list or digital subscription, and above all – buy no NINO merchandise. A few thousand less in sales and we can be rid of NINO forever.

Nix NINO!

Long live Rich Rider!

Movie News Reviews

Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

No Ninja, No Ninja, No!

A Film Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

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Make no mistake, fans of true “Turtle Power,” even though Michael Bay was merely the producer for this particular film adaptation, his imprint is all over this celluloid like crazy is on Casey Jones. As such, the viewer should expect a familiar bevy of calling cards such as plot holes, close-up action, hand-held camera work, blurry combat and Megan Fox. Those who grew up with TMNT are adults now and may be disappointed in this reboot because it reworks the origin story, significantly alters the size and look of the turtles, does the same for the Shredder and turns the foot clan into a gang of Call of Duty terrorists with ski masks. But this film was not made for us. It was strictly made for our children, or rather, children under 10 who have mild to severe cases of ADHD. Despite the PG-13 rating, even teenagers would look at this film and regard it as too childish for even them and tossing in a few “adult words” here and there doesn’t (ahem) transform its juvenile nature.

The only entertainment value of this film was watching all these pint-sized-Turtle-wannabes in the theatre performing air jiujutsu on their friends, brothers and sisters before and after the movie played. The rapid fire pace of this film and complete disregard for character development to accommodate fart jokes drew the kiddies in, and I’m happy they enjoyed it. Parents, however, won’t even be allowed to fall asleep to this eye-rolling affair due to their child bouncing around in their seat and/or pestering them to buy Turtle action figures after the movie and/or telling you about all the characters from the TV show and/or yelling back at the movie screen to participate with the dialogue thanks to the sugar high of popcorn and Mountain Dew. Parents, you have been forewarned. No rational person would disapprove of bringing ear plugs and a sleep mask to this one.

For those of you willing to face the fire of mediocrity head on, get ready for a story that makes the original live action film of 1990 look like Gone with the Wind in comparison. One of the things that make TMNT unique as a brand has more to do with the “T” than the “MNT.” The teenage segment of growth continues to be a delicate and volatile time of uncertainty and empowerment in any young person’s life. The Turtles have always displayed growing pains in every previous depiction of their fiction as well as the concept of family being a stabilizing influence. This movie features none of that. Why? Well, the short answer is “Michael Bay,” but a more thoughtful one is the fact that this film is dedicated to showing off these giant, ninja, mutants performing feats of physical impossibility with the kind of proficiency that only the best CG animators can fabricate.

Another thing that’s missing in this film is any semblance of character development. There are no campfire scenes that reestablish the Turtles’ relationships to each other: no “Ralph annoying Leo” moments, no “Donny educating Mikey” pauses. There is literally one scene of Splinter being a sensei and another moment (the best in the entire film) in an elevator demonstrating brotherhood. Every other segment of dialogue is either too subtle where only fans would appreciate or is generic and derivative to simply move the plot along. Screenwriters Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec and Evan Daugherty presume a healthy familiarity with this franchise from the audience in order to free up as much screen time for action sequences. This is a shame because these Turtles are very different from the original animated series, the original live action films and the original comic books. I don’t have much tolerance for reboots in general, but even less for a reboot that can’t be bothered with putting any time into actually identifying what makes this new version of an established fiction different from the rest. I didn’t even care that the origin story was retooled for the sake of convenience, but at least take a time out from sliding down giant snow mountains (during the first week of spring?) to make any of it matter.

As I’ve said before, the action is prevalent in this film. But how pretty is that action? Well, it’s Transformers pretty which means that the frame rate and camera angles reveal enough to communicate the general idea of the action, but slams the door shut on detail. Once again, Michael Bay’s influence over director Jonathan Liebesman (Wrath of the Titans [2012] Battle: LA [2011]) is apparent. 90% of the action featured in this film is CG, green screen, wizardry which may or may not bother some in the audience due to its seizure-inducing pace, but the fact is that intense action from CG characters doesn’t HAVE to be displayed in that manner. Sure, quick cuts to and from obscure angles and a shaky frame are classic filmmaking tricks to up the emotional intensity of a scene, but where’s the payoff when nobody realizes what exactly happened just then? I guess the audience can thank Liebsman’s or Bay’s use of slow motion to hammer home isolated “cool” moments like the Turtles being bullet proof. (The Turtles are bullet proof?!?) Long story short is if you’ve seen any of Bay’s Transformer films, all the action in TMNT (2014) will look the same. Also, there’s no real karate being shown throughout.

The digital redesigns for every CG character in this film from previous interpretations of any medium is a significant point of criticism for this film. The aesthetics of the look are immaterial if the design serves the story or characters in a direct way. All the Turtles are mammoth, ugly and look more like Orcs from World of Warcraft than actual turtles of any variety (mutated or otherwise). Making them look uglier helps in emphasizing the “mutant” angle which plays into their separation from human society which they adore, but their scale doesn’t make much sense if they were trained as ninjas and not meant to be seen in a combat situation. The only environment where the Turtles would be less conspicuous above ground would be at a WWE event. Splinter’s redesign was clearly going for a more stereotypical Fu Man Chu appeal that isn’t as old and weathered as he’s usually depicted. His stature scaled up with his Turtle sons which led to some fairly satisfying combat moments showing off his rat-kung-fu as a force to be reckoned with. Shredder is now apparently Iron Man, but instead of guns, he’s got blades. I felt this was the worst of all the digital redesigns. I fully understand they had to build this menacing exo-suit to match up with the enlarged stature of the Turtles, but the sheer number of blades this suit could produce was just Looney Tunes comical.

Other than the aforementioned “elevator scene” there isn’t one single performance from any CG character in this film that is noteworthy. They are all as plastic as every scene featuring Mannequin Skywalker from the Star Wars prequels. One significant reason for this is that the Turtles rarely share any dialogue scenes with live actors in the same frame. These moments are always displayed with matching shots of high and low angles to differentiate the perspective of ogre Turtles and regular humans. This makes it difficult for the audience to identify with any of the Turtles as inpiduals and the fact that they have no pertinent interaction with each other doesn’t help things either.

Human performances were equally irrelevant and apparently mailed-in. What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing in this picture? Oh I know; it’s a paycheck film. Can you believe she actually won an Academy Award for Ghost (1991)? Well you won’t after seeing her contributions here. Will Arnett plays Vernon, a camera man for the news who seems to have a penchant for behaving like Will Arnett, which is convenient because the casting director happened to cast that actor in this role; and nobody cares. My boy William Fichtner (Eric Sacs) from Cheektowaga represents WNY well with a tenured career as an excellent character actor in Hollywood, but this film is not a bullet point on his resume. If you ever needed confirmation that Megan Fox is the worst actress on the planet, watch this movie. I really can’t say much more other than her performance was an awkward train wreck; as per usual.

TMNT (2014) is an unquestioned pass. See it if someone else is treating. See it if a theatre is giving free showings because it’s going out of business. See it on demand two months from now because it’s that awful, will be pulled from theatres soon and will be on retail shelves in time for Christmas. But don’t pay real money from your wallet for this nonsense. If you have a Ninja Turtle fever, then the only prescription is watching the original 1990 film or the original animated series.

Comic Book News

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #17 (Bendis)

Writer, BMB, graciously consented to an interview with this independent reporter. He was met in his Soho apartment where he was found relaxing in a beanbag chair, smoking Kretek via hookah, and sipping a Dr. Pepper slushie apparently acquired from a local Taco Bell.

TL: I must say that I’m surprised you granted me an interview given my critiques of your work.

BMB: [offers TL a hit from the hookah] Peace pipe dude.

TL: No thanks. Allergic to cloves. But I do appreciate the gesture.

BMB: [Winks and makes the shooter gesture] No prob.

TL: You know, I just finished reading GotG #17 and I have to say that I just don’t resonate with the change in the tone of this series since you took over from DnA.

BMB: [takes a hit from the hookah and a sip of slushie] D-n-A, Shcmee-n-A.

TL: Excuse me?

BMB: Look. You cosmic fans clearly don’t understand the business of comic books. Brevoort has told you that over-and-over. Here’s the skinny. We just want to sell as many books as we can as fast as we can. Period. None of us Architects much cared about cosmic in the past, so we let DnA play by themselves, and they sold a few books. Nothing like the sales of one of our headliners like, say, Avengers or X-Men – but enough to keep a book going for a while. Small potatoes – you know.

TL: And then their material was used as the basis for a major motion picture that was expected to be a big hit.

BMB: [sips the slushie] Right. So us Architects decided we better get on board and ride that tidal wave of cash [mimes water skiing actions] coming from the movie hype. So, Schmee-n-A had to go. Like I said – small potatoes. And it paid off, didn’t it? The movie hype sent sales of the book up, and I got a payday.

TL: Sure – but that doesn’t explain the change in tone. Why un-necessarily deviate so far from the source material? I mean – your portrayal is not even that close to the movie portrayal – so what’s the point? For instance, in #17, Star-Lord gets rescued by an Avenger, is inexplicably worried that the Avengers will be mad at him, processes his daddy issues once again, and once again accomplishes very little in the big scheme of things. This is very different from past continuity when the Guardians didn’t take marching orders from Earth, weren’t overly concerned with Earth, and single-handedly dealt with the big issues.

BMB: [takes a hit from the hookah] Continuity, schmontinuity. Too much is made of continuity among you fans. Sales is what’s important. Sales. Get it? If I throw in as many Avengers as possible, write the book like these third-rate space jamokes are B-team Avengers, and ride that wave of cash from the movie hype (again mimes water skiing actions) – we all get another big payday.

It’s simple really – I just make up a few new curse words for Rocket and try to find him a catchphrase every issue. “Glarkgin” is the new curse word this issue. Brilliant, huh? He says it about 9 times over 4 panels. I thought of that one when I put some gin in my Dr. Pepper slushie while I was eating a Clark bar. Mouthful of gin and Clark bar at the same time equals Clarkgin, right? Then you just science-fiction it up by changing a letter and you get Glarkgin. If I can find a made-up curse word or a catchphrase that catches on; it’s gonna be all over t-shirts and bumper stickers – and there’s another payday. The rest is just a few contrived fights and a bunch of meaningless conversations about little issues. Gotta save the big issues for Avengers and X-Men, you know.

TL: Yeah. That’s what I thought you’d say.

BMB: [Takes hits from the hookah, blows smoke rings, stares into space]

TL: The editing has been lackluster on this book from the start, but with a few notable exceptions; the art has been pretty good. Until this issue, that is. The art was pretty bad this time out.

BMB: Art, schmart. Who cares about the art? We’ll sell thousands if for no other reason than the movie. Marvel Zombies are brand loyalists. They’ll buy anything with the brand on it – regardless of art, regardless of writing. Quality, shmality. Why pay for good art, when the zombies will buy it anyway? It’s all about sales, baby!

TL: Well – at least we agree on the brand loyal thing. What about the editing? I noticed quite a few grammatical errors – and you even spelled Rich Rider’s name wrong at the end.

BMB: Editing, schmediting.

TL: How did I know you’d say that? Seriously – Rider is spelled with an “i” and not a “y.”

BMB: [grins and sips the slushie] So I spelled Dick Rider’s name wrong. So what? He’s history. Loeb’s version is where it’s at, baby! Cha-ching! You know? Out with the old and in with the new. We’ve been busy shoehorning Loeb’s version into everything we possibly can. Hey – Loeb’s gotta eat too, ya know? Can’t have Dickie-boy around stealing attention away from Loeb’s version, right? Just wait till you see the number I do on old Dickie-boy next issue!

TL: And here I was going to apologize for calling you Minister of Hackery for the A-Holes. No apology will be forthcoming now.

BMB: [laughs] Yeah – we all got a laugh about that in the bullpen. The A-Holes, huh? Funny. After next issue, you’ll have to promote me to King of the A-Holes and demote Brevoort to Cardinal of Douche-Baggery.

TL: [winks, makes the shooter gesture] No prob. Is there anything else you’d like to say to the Cosmic fans before we close?

BMB: Well, I don’t normally concern myself with small, vocal minorities like the cosmic fans. That is, other than to just call them small, vocal minorities anytime anybody asks about why they’re so upset with how Loeb and I have treated them. Especially since there is no more “Marvel Cosmic.” I mean – cosmic, shmosmic. It’s all about the Marvel Universe, baby! And by Marvel Universe I mean Earth. Well, just New York City, really. And maybe a few of the boroughs around NYC. I mean, come on – we sell Earthcentric superheroic fantasy stories. Who needs cosmic anyway? Cosmic is just about giving some funny-looking characters some goofy things to do in space and making up a few new words along the way, right? As long as we make it read like Avengers and somehow tie it to NYC, we’re golden, right? Don’t believe me? Just ask Loeb.

(Editor’s note: This continues our series of satirical parody reviews)

Movie News Reviews

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Beyond Infinity

A Film Review of Guardians of the Galaxy

By Lawrence Napoli

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Wow! There’s no doubt there were several concerns that hovered about this production which easily made it the biggest risk out of all the Marvel Studio, unified cinematic universe, films. No one knows who these “Guardians” are. Marvel heroes are more Earthbound as opposed to space. How is the obscure James Gunn getting a production budget of $170 million dollars? Can Chris Pratt of Parks and Recreation anchor an action/adventure/sci-fi blockbuster? Rest easy, true believers. All concerns, all questions, all doubts and all hesitations are quickly and emphatically put to rest in the final cut of Guardians of the Galaxy. Even if you, the viewer, know absolutely nothing about these people, even if you are not easily moved by superhero movies, even if you have only fringe interest in the Avenger films, there is plenty of action, eye candy, effects and comedy to entertain even the driest humbug on a hot summer day. This movie is great fun for everyone of every age, so much so, that it has supplanted The Winter Soldier as this film reviewer’s favorite movie of the summer of 2014.

The story of Guardians, penned by director James Gunn and Nicole Perlman, describes a gathering of some loveable losers from all over the galaxy, but is framed within the personal journey of Star Lord aka Peter Quill aka Chris Pratt from the time he was taken from Planet Earth. Quill along with Rocket, Groot, Gamora and Drax are a collection of thieves, mercs, soldiers and thugs that are given the charming rogue treatment as each is afforded plenty of screen time to demonstrate their personal eccentricities, but also time to develop chemistry within the group; to bounce their very different personalities and agendas off each other in quite comedic fashion. This method of character development flows well with what amounts to a healthy dose of exposition that catches the audience up on what is happening in the Marvel Universe outside of Earth’s orbit. This may even seem a bit familiar to you, and it should, because it’s the same kind of group dynamic that was showcased in The Avengers and last I heard that film did pretty well for itself. The hook that gets the primary conflict rolling is the only direct link to the Avenger films and it centers on the pursuit of an “infinity item” and that means Thanos (more on him later). Finally, the audience is given an onscreen explanation of what these things are, what they can do and what it could possibly mean as provided by The Collector aka Benicio Del Toro. The rest of the story is a rather heart-warming journey of redemption, family and sacrifice, but what makes it interesting throughout is the fact that it never gets too serious or too dark thanks to the interplay within the group. The X-Men should have given the Guardians a call for tips on how to make a team-based, superhero film actually fun.

The film trailers that preceded the release of this movie were very clear about establishing Guardians as an action film and thankfully, Gunn backs up that promise with lots of hand to hand combat, gunplay, space flight, explosions and all other kinds of mischief and mayhem. Now, I won’t go as far as describing the action here as tactically proficient or as ferociously intense as The Winter Soldier, but the destruction that is left as a result of the combat action is performed, captured and framed with confidence which allows the audience to appreciate all of the activity. There may be a couple of scenes towards the middle of the film where some first person perspective space flight may move the frame at a blurring speed, but these scenes are isolated as wide shots are heavily favored for most of the action. Of course, the visual stimulation does not end at the movement within the frame as the digital fabrication of seemingly every location within this other-worldly adventure produces some of the most beautifully creative environments modern day sci-fi has been able to produce. I was a personal fan of the contrast between the majestic cleanliness of Xandar and the back alley, trading-post appeal of Knowhere. I also need to give an additional thumbs-up to the team in charge of digitally creating Rocket and Groot as entities that may not have had physical mass in reality, but their presence within the frame is seamlessly interwoven and indistinguishable from the live actors. Close-ups of Rocket and Groot reveal the level of detail given to both. One can practically count every hair protruding from Rocket’s face. One is almost moved to tears when Groot’s eyes well up. Oh yes, this production team used every single dollar of that (once again) $170 million dollar budget in every single frame that exudes sharpness, excellence and the best of what Hollywood magic can create.

Performances can be easily lost in a film that layers itself within the infinite folds of visual effects, but seeing how the concept of “character” was a plus for this movie, one cannot have it without solid acting. The voice-over work by Bradley Cooper as Rocket was something that I wasn’t necessarily expecting. I was expecting something very stylized, perhaps digitally filtered and fueled by high doses of caffeine to present a talking Raccoon with an attitude. Cooper’s Rocket is nothing like that. Cooper definitely alters his voice from his normal speak, but vocally presents Rocket as matter-of-fact, casual style which allows a wider birth for emotional shifting to anger and sadness when the moment calls for it. Vin Diesel isn’t exactly tasked with moving mountains by repeating the one sentence his character is capable of speaking, but he gives enough emotion in each instance to communicate to the audience that the walking tree is saying more than just “I am Groot.” Personally, I don’t know why an actor of Diesel’s visibility was cast for Groot, but perhaps James Gunn was a big fan of The Iron Giant (1999).

Zoe Saldana’s Gamora is rigid, disciplined, and focused … and basically the same kind of female action hero she is used to playing in the majority of her past roles. She is meant to be Star Lord’s love interest late in the film, but I wasn’t sold on the chemistry between their characters. Dave Bautista’s Drax (the Destroyer) may be interpreted by the casual audience member as just another pro wrestler struggling to make it as a proper actor in his first, truly featured role, but I saw more than that. So he isn’t exactly Laurence Olivier, but Bautista’s performance is sincere and one can tell he is trying to match the comedic timing of his costars in dialogue sequences. As long as Bautista remains genuine in his commitment to Marvel Studios, I’m sure he’ll be able to smooth out his mechanical delivery as well as maintaining the physicality his character demands. Michael Rooker’s Yondu was an interesting performance in that his character certainly was compelling, but made more so in that Yondu seemed very much like Meryl Dixon from The Walking Dead without the graphic racism and with blue makeup. I have no idea if Yondu in the comics is anything like that, but if you are a fan of Meryl’s, you’ll love Yondu.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by bigger names than the performances they produced. Lee Pace provides a prototypical bad guy in Ronan the Accuser. Dijmon Hounsou’s Korath is a forgettable, cookie-cutter underling of Ronan’s. Laura Haddock (you’ll remember her as Da Vinci’s Demons’ Lucrezia Donati) stuns the audience early in the film with a brief, but gut-wrenching scene as Star Lord’s mother. John C. Reilly’s “regular Joe” Nova Corps soldier literally has 3 scenes in the film, yet retains his patented JCR charm in all. Glenn Close’s Nova Prime is a throwaway. Benicio Del Toro’s Collector is an afterthought, which is odd seeing how it seemed his character would be more prominent thanks to his appearance in Thor: The Dark World.

And then there’s Chris Pratt as Star Lord. Yeah he was ok. I’m kidding. Pratt does a great job at combining his naturally comedic demeanor with an irreverent character that’s half hero, half rogue, but all heart. His character is a child of the 80s (literally) as Quill’s love of the popular songs of that era sets the tone (again, literally) for most of the scenes that play out in this film. Peter Quill/Star Lord is a character that probably shouldn’t even be present in this kind of story, yet somehow manages to hold his own thanks to a balanced application of technology, absurdity, firepower and cunning. The key to Pratt’s charisma is his comedy, but the laughs never become bigger than individual moments during the film that could distract the audience from seeing his character less as a hero and leader and more like a clown. He’s just a simple human trying to make his way in a galaxy of powerhouses, who’s able to keep stride because he’s got his shit together much more than his cavalier attitude presents.

Guardians of the Galaxy was the most fun I’ve had at the movies all summer long and my recommendation is for anyone who likes fun to go see this in any format they can get tickets for at your earliest convenience. The connections this movie has to the Avenger films may be brief, but they are extremely important. The main characters may be considered rip-offs of proper Avengers: (Star Lord = Iron Man, Groot = Hulk, Drax = Thor, Gamora = Black Widow, Rocket = some weird amalgam of Captain America and Hawkeye???), but that’s ok and really only noticeable to the most rabid fans. This movie doesn’t take itself as seriously as The Winter Soldier, but that isn’t a bad thing because it maintains a sense of levity despite the gravity of the danger which produces fun at every turn. The audience applauded the end of this film and I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t happen too often at the theatre anymore. The last time it did was for The Avengers and the time before that was Avatar, so that’s not bad company for the humble Guardians of the Galaxy to share company with.

Now I will launch into a breakdown of the appearance of the mad titan, Thanos.

Spoilers follow. This is your warning to stop scrolling now.

Here we go.

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We finally get to see more of Marvel’s marquee super villain as he rests in the sanctuary he holds in the middle of nowhere-sville, space.

The first thing I noticed instantly was that the character has been visually redesigned from his brief appearance at the end of The Avengers. His skin is less purple and pinker, his chin folds are far less pronounced and it seems like his costume is comprised of full plate, golden armor. Personally, I felt Thanos’ look from The Avengers was a perfect representation from the comics short of his eyeballs actually being visible, but I can understand some alterations are necessary when transitioning from a live actor (in Avengers) to purely digital (in Guardians). The titan’s shade of purple skin must be restored at some point; I didn’t like the pink at all. I’ll give his chin alteration a pass. His golden armor seems a bit TOO gold and that was displayed with very low key lighting in the scene. Perhaps this is Kevin Feige’s ironic take on the character seeing how Thanos is a depraved nihilist obsessed with the concept AND personification of Death, but if he is to maintain this look in his future appearances it might become too sparkly on the screen when Thanos demonstrates the extent of his powers and abilities.

I’m on the fence regarding Thanos’ visual redesign. It isn’t terrible, but isn’t noteworthy. I suspect further alterations for his future appearances.

Then we heard Thanos speak … and … I was less than enthralled. I noticed a familiarity in the voice as it wasn’t nearly as bass as James Earl Jones’ Darth Vader or as ominous as Orson Wells’ Unicron. It was Josh Brolin’s voice. Josh Brolin? How was that decision made? Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind his performance, but I wasn’t intimidated in the least by it and if there’s anything Thanos needs to do – it’s to intimidate. For a character this important to the unified, cinematic universe, I would have figured Marvel to tap Mickey Mouse for a few extra bucks for someone a bit more capable in the VO profession. Who wouldn’t like to see Mark Hamil come up with something for Thanos?

Perhaps some digital filtering can help Brolin add some menacing undertones to what amounted as casual speak from Thanos in his one scene from Guardians, but once again, this was another element of Thanos’ appearance that I was not impressed by.

I felt that Thanos was animated perfectly for his one scene. That may seem like a loaded statement because all he really did was posture himself on his throne while remaining seated throughout. BUT, that is the character. An epicenter villain doesn’t pace about, shake fists or haphazardly break things. All of those activities demonstrate weakness. Like his counter-part in the DC universe (Darkseid), Thanos’ presence is all that is required to dominate a scene.

(Incidentally, I find it interesting how Darkseid’s standing posture is always of him with his arms folded behind his back, while Thanos is usually depicted with his arms folded across his chest – oh boy, that would be one hell of a stare down contest!)

The point is that a character like Thanos moves only when it is absolutely necessary and very little is to a being as powerful as him (but, he sure would acquire those infinity gems faster if he took a more direct approach). Even when Ronan betrays Thanos, his non-reaction is typical as there never seems to be any doubt in his mind that he will get what he wants, despite the circumstances.

All in all, it was nice to see Thanos be confirmed onscreen as the man behind the curtain, but it was bittersweet at best. Back to the drawing board for the mad titan!

Movie News Reviews

Review: Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (2014)

Apes with Attitude

A Film Review of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

By Lawrence Napoli

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One of the reasons why I never became a fanboy of this particular mythos is because it was an inescapably depressing and ugly reflection on just about everything humanity has defined as “contemporary society.” PotA as a brand, doesn’t pull punches, doesn’t sugar coat with hope and unabashedly puts the blame on you, me and every other human being for the fall of mankind. Matt Reeves’ Dawn of the Planet of the Apes not only advances the dynamic origins of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but maintains that unique blend of hopelessness and intimate storytelling that were born of the original films and television series of the late 60s and 70s. Of all 2014’s summer blockbusters, Dawn… delivers the most intellectually engaging plot by dialing back a bit on the popcorn and ramping up the dialogue driven drama amongst the key members of the cast. The audience is spared witnessing the global plague of the Simian Flu and catapulted into an Earth where only small colonies of humans remain while the society of Caesar’s Apes flourishes. Once their paths intersect, history seems to repeat, our ideas of evolution are challenged and what “the right thing” means to society and the individual is examined under a microscope.

I only had a slight apprehension regarding this film for two reasons. First, despite James Franco not being one of my favorite Hollywood types, he did a fantastic job in Rise … and his character is not in this sequel. Second, there’s a change at director, and sometimes that doesn’t affect the quality of the film (see the multiple directors of the Harry Potter films) and sometimes it sinks the franchise (see Joel Schumacher’s adoption of Tim Burton’s Batman). Thankfully, screenwriters Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver return to scribe the plot of Dawn … and despite the massive plot jump from where we left of at the end of Rise … this film’s story effectively connects to its predecessor and stands strong on its own so newcomers shouldn’t feel obligated to see the first film, but I highly recommend it.

Caesar, the unofficial king of Apes in his particular kingdom, is certainly the focal point for the majority of this film which is interesting for a number of reasons. He is still comprised of computer graphics and he doesn’t speak fluent English with his brethren as sign language is still the dominant form of communication amongst the Apes. Making this kind of character as important to the plot of any production is simply not done too often even with today’s technology due to the aforementioned communication restraints. The visual effects combined with the motion capture talents of Andy Serkis presented the most believable fabricated manifestations to date, but it is the gravitas of the dialogue amongst the Apes that enhances the illusion to the point where talking Apes are practically indistinguishable from live actors. The content of this film’s story works extremely well with the context of the spectacle and social commentary.

Granted, this film is not exactly on the same level as the other summer blockbusters in terms of intense action scenes throughout its runtime, but that doesn’t mean Dawn … degenerates into another snoozer, morality tale. Most of the ape movement and combat is depicted from wide angles, which allows the visual effect artists to showboat their impressive skill set. Apes swing through the trees with fluid grace, while lumbering about when walking on the ground on their hind legs. Ape combat is fairly brutal by featuring hand to hand ferocity, but let’s just says fists and melee weapons are not the limit to the danger they present to each other as well as the surviving human beings. Of course, humans are no pushovers and while they are as tough as wet toilet paper when facing down an ape face to face, they compensate with superior firepower and explosives which showcases some standard issue ballistics and pyro visual and practical effects. I’d prefer the bar to be raised for the effects used for gunplay in films that feature it, but seeing how so many resources were dumped into breathing life into fabricated apes, this film gets a pass. The only catch regarding the action in this film is that it’s not particularly well balanced and the dialogue tends to lull the audience. Again, the individual needs to realize that this franchise is not about adrenaline and explosions, but there’s enough here to maintain a high entertainment value provided one engages with the plot.

Despite drama being the priority in this film, there aren’t many individual performances that stand out. Andy Serkis as Caesar once again demonstrates motion capture as a performance art that needs greater recognition from the entertainment industry in general, but before that happens, there needs to be more actors than just him to demonstrate a similar level of excellence. When Caesar speaks, Serkis produces a voice that is equal parts honorable, dominating, serious and threatening. As a matter of fact, most of the dramatic moments occurring in this film are between Caesar, his son, his family and the rest of his society. Jason Clarke’s performance as Malcom represents the best of the live actors in this film. Yes, his character has the luxury of being the one human to consistently reach out to and interact with Caesar, but his performance in general and his facial expressions in particular sells sincerity and desperation in the exact ways they were meant to reflect the composure of his own colony. Gary Oldman, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have enough screen time for the audience to truly define him as either a protagonist or antagonist which leaves his performance in the neutral role of the placeholder. This criticism applies to the rest of the human cast because quite simply, this film really isn’t about them and there’s only so much you can do with support status.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes takes the pedigree of Rise … and raises the stakes on the drama and danger involved with creating and maintaining a “civilized” society. This fiction is yet another interesting experiment in the “what if?” scenario where things like decency, safety and general order are determined less by institutions and more by anyone’s ability to manipulate the mob. “Conjure magic for them and they’ll be distracted. Take away their freedom and still they’ll roar.” – Gracchus from Gladiator (2000). If this film inspires yet another sequel (which judging by its global take at the box office, it may) it will be interesting to see Caesar evolve into a more seasoned philosopher-king having shed his naiveté after the events that transpire here. This movie is the best-rounded cinematic experience of the summer of 2014, but don’t splurge on IMAX or Real 3D tickets to partake.

Comic Book News Marvel

Nova #19 Review (Duggan)

For those just tuning in, this is the 19^th episode of coverage of the Nova hostage crisis. To update new readers, 19 issues ago, the Nova concepts were taken hostage by a gang of Earthbound terrorists hostile to high quality cosmic storylines, continuity, and characterization. These terrorists refer to themselves as “The A-Holes,” and their stated goals are to subvert cosmic’s underlying concepts, destroy cosmic’s uniqueness, and reduce cosmic to the generic, Earthbound-mediocrity of most super-hero-oriented comic books. Our UK Correspondent recently summed-up the goals of The A-Holes as: “producing a sterilized, diluted mockery of a once great genre.”

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In new developments, Propaganda Minister for the A-Holes, Garry Duggan, delivers yet another absurdly implausible story disrespectful of Nova continuity and established mythos. He once again wrongly centers the source of each Corpsman’s powers in their helmets, impossibly subverts the Worldmind’s control over the Nova Force, and ridiculously portrays all Corpsmen as weak and incompetent – except of course, NINO. He writes Rocket Raccoon out of character as a money-grubbing, trigger-happy, impulsive sociopath. He continues to write NINO’s mother as an idiot unfit to raise children. He ret-cons the fate of Robert Rider and the rest of Rich Rider’s Corpsmen (i.e. implies that they were killed in the Cancerverse battle). And of course, he immorally continues to glorify NINO’s status as a child soldier/combatant. The art/coloring are acceptable but nothing to write home about.

In a coded communication intercepted by the NCSA (National Comics Security Agency), Propaganda Minister Duggan can be heard gleefully reporting to Cliché Minister Brevoort, “Yes sir! Consistent with your orders, we’ve produced yet another issue that only brain-dead zombies could love.” In response, Cliché Minister Brevoort can be heard to cackle in laughter saying, “Excellent! Rather than innovate by creating brand new characters to appeal to children, females and racial minorities, we’ll continue the cowardly and creatively bankrupt policy of hi-jacking the names and powers of established characters and shoehorning new characters with the desired demographics into their roles. It worked with Nova, Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel, and Ultimate Spiderman; so why not Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man? BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! The brand-loyal zombies will buy anything!” Schlock Minister Loeb and Hackney Minister Bendis can be heard giggling in the background of this communication. As usual, Mediocrity Minister Alonso is silent and apparently absent from this meeting.

In an uplifting development, resistance to the A-Holes’ hi-jacking of the Nova concepts continues to grow with NINO’s sales steadily falling. Resistance fighters have been shown to be immune to the zombie virus and have discovered a cure for the afflicted zombies. The cure is to starve the problem source, The A-Holes. Leave NINO and NeWINO (New Warriors In Name Only) on the shelf.

Cancel NINO from your pull list. Cancel your DVR’s setting to record Ultimate Spiderman. Buy no NINO merchandise. Be a star! Join the resistance! Nix NINO!

Comic Book News

Review: Guardians of the Galaxy #16 (Bendis)

For those just tuning in, this is the 16^th episode of coverage of the Guardians of the Galaxy hostage crisis. To update new readers, 15 issues ago, the Guardians of the Galaxy were taken hostage by a band of Earthbound terrorists hostile to high quality cosmic storylines, continuity, and characterization. Referred to as the “MMS” (Marvel Mediocrity Squad) by opposition groups, their stated goals are to subvert cosmic’s underlying concepts, destroy cosmic’s uniqueness, and reduce cosmic to the generic, Earthbound-mediocrity of most super-hero-oriented comic books.

From documents leaked by undisclosed high-level sources, our reporters have learned that the NCSA (National Comic-book Security Agency) has produced a Wanted Poster featuring pictures of the terrorists and the until now secret name by which they refer to themselves when they hold clandestine meetings to plot how they will further subvert cosmic. “The A-Holes” – as they refer to themselves – are pictured in this poster soon to be released to all comic book fan sites. These men are considered dangerous to comic book fans as any contact with them may result in a decline in your Intelligence Quotient along with a commensurate reduction from the sterling taste in comic books you may now hold to the basest of pedestrian tastes. Should you encounter any of these men, the NCSA urges you to stop, point at them, and yell “A-Hole!” to alert everyone else in the vicinity. Then you should immediately run in the opposite direction. Under no circumstances should you purchase anything from any of these men.

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New developments in the 16^th episode of the hostage crisis look exactly like old developments. Deus ex machina is used repeatedly; Star-Lord AGAIN (unsuccessfully) tries to process his daddy issues; Avengers are shoe-horned into the storyline at every opportunity; the art/coloring remain the best part of the book; the great powers of the local group of galaxies act like drooling idiots, and the Guardians continue to be reduced to an ineffectual team that doesn’t accomplish much of anything. Ringleader of the hostage takers, Brian Michael Bendis, seems intent on using the hostages in such a manner as to produce an unbearable ennui among the most ardent of cosmic fans as a means of driving them away from cosmic fandom and accomplishing the stated goals of the A-Holes.

Brave resistance fighters have held the line against the A-Holes for 16 issues now and morale remains high as with each issue more fighters join the ranks of the resistance. However, the A-Holes are doubling-down on their attacks against quality cosmic and their collaborators in the comics community are acting to make the hostage crisis the new status quo for cosmic. The ultimate outcome remains in doubt – but never fear. What is done by the A-Holes can later be un-done by a good and truly talented creative team that actually likes and respects cosmic.

Movie News Reviews

Review: Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014)

A Decent Transformers Movie? Maybe This is Why Shia Got Himself Arrested Last Thursday

A Film Review of Transformers: Age of Extinction

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Michael Bay has a very acute style of filmmaking which has seen financial success and increased visibility with his helming of the Transformer movie adaptations. Like it or not, his style has delivered predictably reliable profit to the Hollywood machine and the Age of Extinction will more than likely, be no exception. Explosions, loud noises, oversaturated colors, annoying comic relief, women as mindless sex objects and what seems to be the same exact chord progression in every overture of every single Michael Bay film are rinsed and repeated. Personally, I haven’t been too keen on these films primarily because they have basically been the same movies with the same bad guys enacting the same plots and woefully misplacing far too much importance on the human characters of every cast. If nothing has really changed, then why on Earth would I find any improvement now? The answer begins with the absence of Shia Labeouf’s Sam Witwicky, his ridiculous parents and his cosmically improbable girlfriends. Bay may have been trading away a numbskull for a meathead in Marky Mark, but at least Wahlberg gives the audience something different to (possibly) roll their eyes at as we patiently await the Transformers to come back on the screen. In a sea of similarity, ANY difference is a good thing.

Screenwriter Ehren Kruger returns to deliver a story that once again pays mere lip service to a rich Transformer mythos from the comics and animated series in favor of yet another derivative tale of “Transformers are cool pets for humans, oh wait they’re headed right for us, we gotta blow them up, yada, yada yada.” If any of that sounds familiar, it should because it’s the same plot of the last two Transformer sequels for which Kruger is also responsible for. Talk about a well oiled machine, despite a retooled cast and Autobots we’ve never seen before, Kruger is able to carbon copy a tried-and-true Transformer tale as if he were simply swapping out defective gears, shafts and valves. I was perturbed by how Kruger introduces and utilizes the Dinobots. First, don’t hold your breath folks because they don’t appear until very late in the film. Second, some of them are dino-remixes of the classic forms fans may be familiar with and third, none of them are referred to by their proper names so if you’re waiting for someone to yell Grimlock, Snarl, Slag, Sludge or Swoop, expect disappointment. One other thing about the story worth mentioning is a conscious choice regarding the evolution of the most important character of this franchise: Optimus Prime. The years spent on Earth have yielded constant battle for the Autobot Leader and frustration is not only understandable, it is expected. However, I have never seen Optimus Prime depicted with such darkness that I started feeling uncomfortable with his new attitude. I’ve never heard Prime say the word “kill” as often and with such ferocity.

Action, effects and computer graphics are what Transformer films are all about. They are the reason these films still retain summer blockbuster entertainment value which yields the kinds of dollars these films are made for in the first place. For the life of me, I still cannot understand why none of the Transformers use energy-based weapons (as opposed to projectiles requiring bullets for instance), but rest easy knowing that there are plenty of ballistics, big guns and missiles riddling the screen at every turn. I like how the camera doesn’t push in too close during the marquee action sequences, thus allowing the audience to fully appreciate the scale of the destruction. I also enjoyed the aerial action which naturally features a multitude of dynamic angles, but also strikes a good balance with slow motion effects to maximize satisfaction without abusing it (typically another staple of Michael Bay productions). Of course, I can’t discuss the eye candy without talking about the giant f’ing robots themselves who, by the way, still look so great that the audience is left wondering why anyone would want to cut away from them for any reason. Autobot Hound is one of the standouts as his digital render obviously channels the real life human who voices him, John Goodman. The Dinobots are intimidating in both robot and animal forms as their sizes may not be precisely to scale in reference to Optimus Prime, but they are noticeably larger, which makes sense seeing how they’re robotic dinosaurs. It’s too bad Devastator was already disposed of in these films because I’d love to see the Dinobots take him on. Maybe we could see Bruticus in the sequel?

The only real performance that matters in this film and every other live action Transformer adaptation is that of Peter Cullen and his legendary, lifelong, vocal performance of Optimus Prime. Despite turning 74 this coming July 28^th, Cullen’s unique voice retains the chivalrous charm fans of the animated Prime have always enjoyed to the point where we can feel the honor in the air whenever he speaks a word. Cullen is called upon to produce more anger and aggression for this Prime than any other performance in his career, but the sheer sincerity in his voice continues to produce a transcendent experience. Mark Wahlberg does another fine job performing as Mark Wahlberg, er … Cade Yeager, a Texas roughneck who struggles to make a living as an independent robotics engineer because in a reality where Transformers are walking the Earth, everyone and their mother is apparently better at building and programming robots than Marky Mark. (Sigh) Stanley Tucci does a fine job by filling the role of the charming comic relief, Joshua Joyce, which is most welcome seeing how the idiotic comic relief is thankfully eradicated earlier in the film. Kelsey Grammer is a fine villain with his performance as Harold Attinger, but this is thanks mostly to his dulcet tones and less for his “physicality.” Jack Reynor plays the character type Shia Labeouf used to, and Nicola Peltz plays the token sex appeal Megan Fox formerly represented in a movie franchise that’s really supposed to be about giant, transforming robots that happen to be alive.

2014 has not been a particularly effective year for a number of blockbusters to at least meet the hype that pumped them up in the first place. In terms of raw action, even the Age of Extinction doesn’t come close to the action intensity of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, but even Transformers walking down the street on film is more interesting than a majority of what Hollywood produces, and this is why there appears to be no end in sight for this franchise with or without Michael Bay. Anyone with the team of digital artists and animators behind the CG magic of making the Transformers real with VO talent like Peter Cullen can make hundreds of millions of dollars leading a Transformer production. There is a clear lead-in to another sequel, but there’s nothing to suggest that such a film would be a departure from everything we’ve seen thus far, until those pesky humans get cut loose from the plot entirely. Despite it all, Age of Extinction, though far from a perfect production is entertaining enough for a standard admission. Don’t even think about shelling out extra for IMAX or Real 3D admission because the 3D conversion is just plain irrelevant – waste of time, waste of money. Trust me, Wahlberg’s deer-in-the-headlights face is far less annoying than Labeouf’s “no, no, no, no, no!”

Comic Book News

Review: Thomas Alsop #1 (of 8)

An amalgam of mysticism, exorcism and commercialism, Thomas Alsop is one of those books that people try to label into a category that just won’t fit. Not because it can’t be, but because it is so much more than a label could possibly convey!

Thomas Alsop is a book about media sensation, Thomas Alsop, a modern day warlock that does battle against all manner of demonic beings in Manhattan. He is the “Hand of the Island,” a moniker passed down from generation to generation of Alsop’s in their continued quest against the dark. He is also a drunkard, a self glorified “rock star,” a magician, a reality star and blogger. But these labels can only define the character of Thomas Alsop as much as the aforementioned cataloging of the book itself. As a matter of fact, the first page has Thomas even questioning himself as to who he truly is. He is so multi-faceted that even himself has trouble discerning where the real Thomas Alsop lies amid the facade of media hype.

But this book isn’t all about facades and labels. When Thomas meets his great great grandfather, Richard Alsop, in the dreamscape, the book turns to follow the older Alsop’s story in the year 1702. From there we learn about how the family was cursed/blessed with the the “Hand of the Island” power, an innate ability to to see the supernatural world and its denizens. We also relive the pain and emotional suffering that befell Richard Alsop both before and after his abilities were acquired and how something from the past will descend upon his great great grandson’s future.

Chris Miskiewics does an amazing job of fleshing out this first issue. Within its myriad of ideas, there is a single driving force to have these characters connect with the reader at a base level and it absolutely does! Between the exceptional character development, Richard’s stoic resolve and Thomas’ hubris facade, the magic, the mystery, the underlining feeling of eventual bedlam from demonic forces and the absolutely outstanding artwork by Palle Schmidt that helps solidify the overall vibe of the tale — this book has it all!

People are comparing this book to Hellblazer and Dr.Strange, it may have a few mimicking qualities but it can stand tall all on its own without the comparison. You don’t have to be a fan of either one of those books to enjoy Thomas Alsop, you just have to enjoy a damn good story!

Comic Book News

Review: Harbinger #24

This is it! After two years of being manipulated and hunted by Toyo Harada, Peter Stanchek and the Renegades lay all the cards on the table and NOTHING will ever be the same again!

Joshua Dysart has been promising major changes to Harbinger with his current “Death of a Renegade” storyline and he has delivered on all accounts! After last issues shocking death of the team’s sexy fire bird, Flamingo, fans have stood slack-jawed for what would come next. Be fair warned, by the stunning conclusion of this issue, every aspect of the Harbinger series will be completely changed!

In a medium that treats death of characters with as little respect or second thought as a used tissue, Joshua Dysart is one of the few writers that takes the time for the emotional weight to register with his characters. Even amidst the chaos of Peter and Toyo’s epic battle, the individual remorse and regret felt by the rest of the Renegades is what drives this issue past the shackles of the normal “grieving issue” and into something astounding. Dysart takes the time for each character to ponder their own actions during the tragic event, brewing up a maelstrom of emotion that is rarely seen in current comics. From guilt and being overwrought with sadness to deflection and levity, Dysart makes each moment feel real and connects his characters to the reader even more so than he has in the past. That connection and depth of character development is what continually makes Harbinger one of the best reads on the market month after month. You owe it to yourself to grab it as soon as you can!

Destruction on a physical and emotional level awaits you this issue. The teacher and the student will war until the very fabric of the Valiant Universe changes and you will be on the ground floor to witness it! After this issue, I have no idea where Peter Stanchek, the Renegades or even Harada will be — but I truly cannot wait to find out!

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Nova #18 (Duggan)

Sometimes a reboot of a concept surpasses the original. That was the case for Nova Volume IV. Most times, a reboot is inferior to the original. That is the case with NINO.

The problem is that the major players in the NINO reboot (Alonso, Brevoort, Loeb, Bendis, and now Duggan) never liked, understood, cared about, or bothered to familiarize themselves with cosmic in general or the Nova mythos in particular. Their past and present motivations appear to be to cash in on the expected surge in interest in cosmic once the Guardians of the Galaxy movie premieres and is the blockbuster everyone expects — and, in the case of NINO, to develop a “Spider-man-ish” character for which they own the movie rights. Their lack of understanding and regard for cosmic shows in the decline in quality of cosmic under their leadership. Thankfully, the fans have resisted Marvel’s marketing flim-flam about NINO, and this total mess of a comic book is failing – down to 111^th in sales – with only 22K still buying. I can’t wait to see the words, “Final Issue,” smeared across the cover in the near future. It is way past time for NINO to go away and never be heard tell of again.

The 22K of high-camp, clichéd, teen antic/angst mediocrity lovers still buying NINO will call this the best issue of the series thus far. I agree – it is the best of the worst – but that’s faint praise. Bad concept equals dumb story cover-to-cover. And the lack of regard for Nova mythos is on full display throughout.

Once again, NINO’s mother won’t be winning the “Mother of the Year” award. She encourages her minor children to play with a weapon of mass destruction and stands idly by while NINO flies off to the edge of the universe to face mortal danger. Honestly – I fully expect her to start leaving loaded weapons lying around the house. And in a way she is – since in this silly re-boot of the Nova mythos the powers are stupidly portrayed as emanating from the helmets. She piles up a heap of discarded helmets from fallen Corpsmen in her basement. All that power centered right there won’t attract the attention of any villains and expose her family to further danger, will it? Dumb.

And then the Avengers and Fantastic Four encourage NINO to risk his life fighting Mindless Ones. Is every adult in the Marvel Universe an irresponsible, blithering idiot?

If I had one major criticism of Volume IV, it would’ve been that DnA portrayed Rich as underpowered. Just the opposite with NINO. Duggan portrays NINO as ultra-powered. No way NINO tosses around Mindless Ones like that.

The end scene is especially egregious. Remember that above-mentioned lack of regard for Nova mythos? Jesse is portrayed with a Millennian helmet but wearing a Centurion Uniform (as is the Corpsman he guns down). And since the Worldmind was presumably active at the time of that apparent crime – there’s no way he would get away with it as it would have been recorded in Worldmind archives. Once again, the “creators” and “re-booters” borrow the look and general concepts without any understanding or regard for the history and mythos.

Of course, NINO has an existential angsty teen crisis when it looks like dear old dad is just another criminal thug. And when Iron Man has a chance to be an adult and help – he just makes an off the cuff remark and walks away. Now that’s heroic, isn’t it? Sheesh.

NINO ends by saying he’ll never wear the helmet again. If only that was true. But it isn’t true and the little idiot will be back because Marvel is desperate to throw him in the face of every reader by making him part of every event and giving him special one-shots. And Brevoort, with a straight face, is his typical disingenuous self when he says he gave Rich equivalent marketing hype.

It is now rumored that Rich Rider will make an appearance in the post-credit scene of the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Think about the resurgence in interest in Thanos after his post-credit scene. He was brought back from the dead in very short order, wasn’t he? So, if this rumor is true, it’s our best chance of getting Rich back and active in the Marvel Cosmic Universe. NINO needs to be gone and forgotten by then – because if he’s still selling, the powers at Marvel will continue with Loeb’s re-boot, and Loeb’s re-boot by Loeb’s own design and admission has no room for Rich Rider. So – if you’re a true Rich Rider fan, the best thing you can do is leave this NINO trash on the shelf at your local comic shop. Cancel NINO from your pull list or digital purchase list. Take Ultimate Spider-Man off the record list of your DVR. Don’t buy New Warriors (in Name Only) because it headlines NINO. A small push is all that’s needed to drive sales further down and hopefully eliminate NINO forever.

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Original Sin #4 (of 8 )

Tension continues to mount between the rag tag groups of heroes in Jason Aaron’s fantastic murder mystery that is shocking fans!

In this installment, we are given more clues as to who or what may have killed the Watcher but not enough to truly have a cohesive idea of the murderer’s true identity. Aaron has the reader continually switching between the different teams as they slowly come to realize that they have all been pawns in the grand scheme of things. He boils down each character to their core personalities as they hastily make their way through the tale, making each interaction wholly believable, fun and overtly tense. The quick barb Bucky throws at the Punisher is especially harsh yet, brilliant!

Compared to the last few installments of the book, this issue is structured less on the action and more on the subtle clues and personal nuances between the characters. It builds upon Bucky’s role from last issue but never settles on exactly why he took the actions he did. That is perfectly fine with me because nothing reads better than a Jason Aaron mystery tale where “friends” quickly become bitter enemies and enemies become the key to unlocking the ultimate answer!

Aaron uses this issue to focus on what we have already discovered in the series, taking the time to gently build upon that before unleashing another shocker of an ending! It is a great read that showcases lesser profiled characters and proves you don’t need to be in order to make an amazing tale! This is Marvel’s best “event” book in years!

Comic Book News Marvel

Review: Original Sins #1 (of 5)

Warning: Spoilers Dead Ahead!

Riding on the coattails of the fantastic Original Sin story by Jason Aaron, comes this double tale book that flounders even at the attempt at mediocrity.

The “Mighty Marvel Machine” churns out another failed attempt at making money off of its numerous crossover books, but this time it actually has NOTHING to do with the core book it supposedly spawned from! The first story, I use the term story loosely since it was a mere ten pages!, is all about promoting the new Deathlok series coming in October. The only thing that links this tale even remotely with Original Sin is the fact that a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent was nearby when the Watcher’s eye detonated and he saw the secret of who Deathlok really was. Long story short, again ten pages, Deathlok kills the guy!

The second story is about Young Avengers, Hulkling and Prodigy, going to space to retrieve Marvel Boy so that they can stop Marvel Boy’s ex-girlfriend, Exterminatrix, from fighting the Avengers in New York. On the way back to earth they eat pizza and Hulkling shape shifts into Agent Coulson so they can fly back undetected by S.H.I.E.L.D. After we sit through more corny banter between the three heroes, they are attacked by the Hood in an apartment. Original Sin connection? They show Captain America and Exterminatrix fighting via a Smartphone!

I’m all about cross merchandising your product with “big event” scenarios but, please, make it worth the time and money readers dish out on it. This book does nothing to move along the core story or build upon the secrets that are now floating throughout the Marvel U. It is, at its base level, a book that could not stand on its own as a well crafted tale, or tales, and needed the Original Sin banner just to get published. If Marvel is trying to bring in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. watchers in the fold of reading comics by drawing them in with a new Deathlok series, then do a one-shot that is 22 pages about that, not a ten page advertisement for the new book poorly linked to a disastrous tale that has nothing to do with it! And even if you are the world’s largest Young Avengers fan, this story does not deserve your attention. From prose to art, it is just a simple book with nothing to offer.

Do not spend $4 dollars on this book, you will regret every penny of it if you do! ’nuff said!

Comic Book News

Review: The Walking Dead #128

After the shocking time jump last issue, Robert Kirkman lulls us in to a sense of security with a tale that lets readers reconnect with their favorite characters.

This issue is the poster child for “slow burn” storytelling but the manner in which Kirkman tells the tale makes the reader feel comfortable with the fact it isn’t about shock and awe. This is a great “breather” issue in which we get to learn more about Carl, Eugene, Rick, Andrea and the small new cast of characters introduced last issue. Kirkman delves deeper into the inner workings of how Rick’s community works, from bread making to a more precise ammunition crafting process, and we get to see just how far Kirkman’s world has changed.

The subtleties Kirkman weaves into his characters is what drives this issue. Carl’s new hobby/career choice is something I would have never expected from the hard nosed, lethal weapon he was prior to the time jump but it is something that makes me enjoy his character so much more! Eugene’s relationship, or lack there of, with Rosita is equally as shocking and forces Eugene from a character that I never thought I would care for into one I desperately need to know about. Even the diminutive rant from Neegan brought a well earned smile to my face when I thought I could only like him as an extremely over the top maniac. But that is what Kirkman does! He can shock you with big, overwhelming storylines that make you squirm in your seat but he can also write smaller character pieces that draw you to his characters in a way few books can.

So, if you are looking for “walkers” just turn to the middle of the book, but if you are looking for something that has a little more meat on it’s bones, start at the beginning and enjoy until the very end!

Cosmic Book News

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